A Closing Thought

Enjoy your evening, dear readers.
Good night.

Do Not Want

Websites that make switching your account from a .com to a .co.uk easy:
-amazon
-ebay
-facebook
-my bank
-almost all other websites

Websites that suck:
-Paypal

Assumptions, part 1

I think I've finally figured out why I have been so desperate to move home lately. Being female and raised in modern American culture, my self confidence is of course hanging on by a thread, dangling over a very steep fall. I suspect that St. Martins put a scissor to the thread.

Everyone makes assumptions about themselves. Your assumptions will subconsciously urge you to continue patterns of behavior that reinforce them. You of course never consider your own invisible expectations of life until they are severely challenged. In fact you probably didn't even realize you even had any before then.

Despite my perilous relationship with self confidence, there were quite a few assumptions hanging by that thread. I didn't realize what I had hanging out there until it fell and shattered. Picking up the shards, I am beginning to see the flimsy ideas I had about myself and my place in the world.

I want to think out loud a little bit, if you don't mind. I want to share what I'm thinking as I being to realize what my own assumptions were and are. Maybe if I can look them straight on, I can change them. Maybe I can adjust my attitude and sort of change how everything "behind the scenes" is working...

So....

I suspect that I have held a secret belief that I could be impressive without too much effort. That is not to say that I am lazy, but when I work relatively hard on something I generally do pretty well at it. I suppose I wanted to believe I was the kind of person who was naturally gifted at nearly everything.

But of course that isn't true. Anything that challenged that belief made me incredibly angry. When I took dance classes a few years back and couldn't make my body move the way I wanted, I became furious and gave up dancing entirely. The same was the case with drawing a few years before that. I am not very forgiving when it comes to the learning process. I expect myself to see something done and then be able to do it. If I can't, I hate myself for it because it makes me question the belief that I should be effortlessly good at everything.

I was at the top of my class in most subjects throughout school. I had gotten used to being praised even when I thought my work wasn't up the standard I imposed upon myself. Without realizing it I was living with the assumption that even when I didn't like my own work, it was always good anyhow. And then I came to Central St. Martins...

Right away I realized my idea of hard work had to change. What had been A+ quality work at my last school wouldn't even earn a passing grade here. What I had once been able to do without trying anything that didn't come naturally to me, I suddenly had to reach for. And half of the time I don't even know what exactly I'm trying to reach, but I know that I have to keep stretching myself in hopes of finding it.

I have no idea what I am aiming for, or how I intend to get there. But I know that part of the reason I am struggling now is that for the first time in my life, I realize that I have to work my ass off if I want to earn even a passing grade. And I don't even know what "working my ass off" really means! Now I am being challenged at every step of the way, and the assumption I held that I could do quite well with only a little effort has been destroyed. Even my idea of what "effort" meant has had to change, and is still changing.

This is one assumption that, despite being shattered into pieces, is dying off very slowly. I think I still cling to the hope that somewhere inside of me is a natural talent that will come save me. But I guess the only thing that will save me now is lots and lots and lots of effort.

A Much Needed Party Break

I am in love with East London again after having a fantastic evening partying with my classmates. It began as a surprise birthday party that ended up becoming a roaming walkabout around Brick Lane, ending at another friend's house for an post-party party. It just kept being more and more fun as the evening went along. You know it's a good party when you almost dread the video and photos of you will be posted on facebook the next day.

Flat

Inspired perhaps by one of my flatmates moving out in the near future, I have become obsessed with the idea of moving out of the student halls and into a real flat.

The layout of our dorm is very isolating, and not terribly condusive to working, I've found. I think that having to spend all the your time in one room makes it hard to get into the mindset of work, when the exact same space is also used for everything else.

I shouldn't be focusing on this right now, seeing as how I am panicking over my homework load. But I happened to walk past a rental agency on my way home from the gym today (I finally took a floor/mat pilates class this afternoon) and I stared at their listings in the window for probably ten minutes, aching and longing in my very bones. Hm, or maybe it was the pilates doing that...

Anyhow, I am tired of not having a real kitchen, or a living room, or a bed that isn't too small for me. I miss being able to have people over. And I hate that going home to me means spending time in one tiny little room. Oh god, and I miss having a bath tub! I miss baths! I want to find no more than two other friends to live with, and make a little home for myself in the East End. Soon. Sooner than later.

A Small Comfort

I guess it is a small comfort to know that although I seem to fail miserably at all the important, practical fashion-related assignments, at least I get good grades on my writing.

That essay I wrote on isolation in the city of London and Francis Bacon? I got a pretty good grade on it, unexpectedly. Go me.

Beshtest Buddiesh

My best friend lives in San Francisco. When I moved to London she and I weren't able to speak for three months- Skype wasn't working on her computer, and my long distance SIM card didn't work in my phone. It was torture! She has always been my go-to girl for every type of advice. Despite being many years apart in age, she and I clicked right away and often seem to go through very similar life changes at the same time.

Not being able to have her around during my first three months in London was awful. But when I went back to SF over the vacation, I fixed her computer problem! We just spoke for an hour on Skype and I feel so much better. I was so down this evening. So stressed...

My friend is a brilliant set designer, and she and I work very well together in a professional capacity as well as being very close friends. We also brainstorm really well together, and I have always called upon her when I am so involved in a project that I can no longer really see it. And tonight, true to form, she pulled out some good advice that helped me see how all my incoherent floating thoughts really could be pulled together into a working design idea.

Friends like her are few and far between. I am a lucky girl to have someone so cool in my life.

Change of Course?

I can't help wondering what I would do with my life if I no longer wanted to do fashion design...

It's all I've been able to think about today.

Room Mates to the Rescue

It's funny how you find friends in the least expected places. The room mate I thought I would get along with best has turned out to be very illusive and rarely home and the room mates I thought I would not get along with at all have become the people I am most comfortable with.

We are all very different people. They are not normally the type of person I would pick out to be my friends. Really, we have almost nothing in common. But when I flew back to London, one of those room mates met me at Paddington station to help me manage my suitcases back to the flat. They fed me and hugged me when I spent the whole evening in body-shaking sobs over leaving my boyfriend behind.

On my first night back, terrified of being alone, I fell asleep in a room mate's room watching a movie. I crawled back into my own room later that night, only to wake at 3am missing my boyfriend with every part of my being. I felt like my heart was breaking, and I was terrified of being alone. I broke out into tears, miserable and feeling completely and utterly lost. But it so happened that one of my room mates was awake, heard me crying, and despite being the most sarcastic and distant girl in the flat, made me tea and listened to me for an hour. She then invited me into her room (she is very private usually) and put on some stupid TV show, knowing it was stupidly dramatic enough to distract me from my real drama.

At 6am I crawled back into bed and fell asleep again. I woke up feeling exhausted but much better. I felt like I had gone to the flat mates at my worst and they had offered hugs and sympathy when I needed it most. I am usually very hesitant about sharing my real feelings with people, but I braved it because I couldn't bear the thought of feeling so alone.

This morning we all woke up and made pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Yesterday they took me swimming. We have watched all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies and eaten home made chocolate mousse. Between loaning me electric blankets, helping me unpack, and making sure I eat, they have all taken very good care of me. And now we are going to a jewelry exhibition to see if we can get inspired for our various homework projects.

As much as I hated coming back here and leaving my boyfriend in San Francisco, I am so so so very glad I live with kind hearted people.

The World Keeps Turning

When I was leaving for London in September I found it hard to believe that life in San Francisco would continue without me.

I don't mean to say that I thought my role in San Francisco life was significant and irreplacable. I mean that I didn't realize how much things would stay the same. My friends still live in their apartments, still go to their jobs, still bicycle around, still want to see me. I didn't realize how easy it would be to reassemble the pieces of my old life as soon as I visited.

It seems so simple a thought. But you have to realize that I was leaving everything and everyone behind and facing the unknown, and that it seemed my life (as I knew it) was ending. So it was beyond me to consider that all the elements that add up to "My Life" would continue on without me being there to coax them along.

I fly back to London today, and I am a bit sad about it. I am stressed out about the homework I haven't yet started, and the second project I received in the mail a few days ago because I failed my first two. (That was an unpleasant surprise, and I have to go speak with my tutor about it first thing when I get back.)

I have a lot of work to do when I get back. I am really lagging when it comes to my homework. But in my defense, I haven't had a full day to myself since I arrived here. Of course now that I've found out I have twice the homework I did before, I am even more stressed out over all the research I need to do over the weekend before school begins. Ugh. I should have been more responsible with my time. Damn.

I suppose I am dreading flying back to London because I worry that I will be lonely again. Not just alone, but lonely. I am trying to remind myself that I have some new friends that will be eager to see me, and room mates that will probably meet me at the underground station when I arrive. It's not the same as seeing my long-term friends in America, but it does help sate my need for companionship.

On the other hand, I suppose being alone wasn't so bad in the end. The last two days here in San Francisco have been an odd reminder of that, ever since my boyfriend went back to work on Monday. But being alone all day in SF doesn't seem right, doesn't seem natural, whereas in London my entire life is structured around being on my own. I am used to getting around, going out, wandering, sitting in cafes, and spending most of my time with my only my own company. And I guess I'm not such bad company, really.

But I will miss having a warm boy to snuggle up to every night, and friends that I have years of history with. I will miss the sunlight. I will miss having no school schedule or school-induced stress. I will miss the familiar feel of San Francisco culture.

But I am looking forward to wandering around London again. In a weird way I am looking forward to school because I want to do better than I have before. I am looking forward to developing friends, even though it can be hard work. I am excited to hit a few museums and find some inspiration for my next couple of projects. I am looking forward to seeing the people in my program again, because I have been very lucky with the caliber of creativity and intelligence in my fellow students at St. Martins. And I suppose in a small, secret way I am sort of looking forward to being lonely. It has become my norm. Although loneliness can sometimes be unbearable for me, it allows me the space to figure myself out, unaffected by the powerful personalities I tend to collect around me.


And now I must go pack. My flight leaves at 6pm tonight, and I have a million things to take care of before I go. Next time I write to you, I will be on the other side of the pond.


I hope you had a fantastic holiday, and happy New Year to you all!