Good News

In a moment of "I don't give a fuck" last night I shot out an email to a new up and coming designer in London whose style is VERY much in line with what I want to do with my own work. She is theatrical, sexual, unusual, and innovative. I basically said, "look, I don't have a fantastic portfolio to show you and I don't have a ton of work experience yet, but I think your work is amazing and I would like to work for you. Here's a bit about how I approach design. blah blah blah." I figured I had nothing to lose, right?

To my surprise, she wrote me back this morning. I couldn't believe it! I read the email three times to make sure I understood what she was saying. She said she liked my email, liked that I was ballsy enough to write to her that way. She asked me a bit about my education, asked if I ever studied fine art (I have), or if I've ever focused on the technical side of design (I have). She also expressed interest in working in latex, which I have also done. She said she would like to bring me in for a test run and see if she could use me. It would be an unpaid internship for the time being, but she said that she has brought a couple of her unpaid interns back and hired them.

So.

Things might be turning around.
I'm feelings hopeful. I'm actually smiling for the first time in weeks.

The Dean, Where I Am, Fear, Stress, and Uncertainty.

The meeting with the dean didn't go badly, but it didn't go well. He suggested I meet with Evil Tutor and himself to discuss my workload and how to manage it. He sympathized with my situation, even told me about a similar situation he had with a tutor he had in grad school. But he said the rules tie his hands and prevent him from helping me. He did offer to look for a loophole in the rules, though. He's been very friendly to me, and I really appreciate his candor. I just wish he could do something more to help me.

I spent this weekend trying to work on my retrieval project. I get a new project assigned tomorrow. And I still have to redo all the work in my portfolio and redo the portfolio itself. By the end of the month. It isn't possible, and I am a wreck. I am falling apart in every way, every day. I really need someone to help support me right now. I just need the monstrous load of work and stress to lessen.

So I emailed the Dean again, and I've included the email below. Names have been changed for obvious reasons. It is a very familiar email, and I did that in part because I don't give a shit anymore, and in part because he responds very well to honesty about a situation. I tried playing it professional at first, and realized that he will mirror my approach to a situation. I only share this email because I feel it expresses where I am emotionally about the potential of being kicked out/asked to repeat first year/etc...

" Dear "Dean",

I have been considering your offer to meet with "Evil Tutor" (henceforth ET) and me to sort out my workload. Although I worry that he will take it personally and it might affect my grades even more, I think perhaps it is a good idea to talk to him about how to manage my pile of homework. I have nothing to lose, right?

I mean... all I want from CSM is for them to take my money and give me the chance to TRY and learn something. The tutors can tell me I'm shit, they can laugh at my work, they can tell me over and over that my work is awful. I truly, honestly do not mind as long as they tell me why. I just need the chance to do what the rest of the succeeding students are doing- work on one project at a time.

I will take that sketchbook course that is offered over the summer. I will take any extra courses over the summer that will help me improve. I will do extra work over the summer to make up for the retrieval projects, if the school will only let me spread out the work. I would even suffer a blow to my ego and grovel, beg to move on to 2nd year if it would help. I have met some of the 2nd and 3rd year tutors and I connect with their teaching styles much better than I do with "ET"'s. I could do this. But if I had to repeat 1st year with him again.... I can promise you I would not finish, even if I COULD afford to repeat. He and I, despite getting along in person, do not mesh well in the tutor-student situation.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you yet, but I have ADHD- attention deficit hyperactive disorder. Focusing, laying out timetables, understanding time, planning... these things are unusually hard for me to do. I usually take a medication for this, but the medication I am on is not available in the UK, and so I am operating at a huge deficit. And despite that fact I'm only 2 points short of passing. That is an achievement. I only mention this to make sure you know that I am not a slacker, nor do I expect an easy ride. I just need a little help from the university, and the opportunity to have the time to delve into one project at a time, try new things, really FOCUS on one concept. I can get this, I know I can.

I belong here. I belong at CSM. I am sure of that. Ask any of my classmates, even the ones who don't like me or my work. They will tell you the same thing. That may sound cocky, but it is also true.

All I ask is that CSM continue to take my money, continue to insult my work, and let me move onto 2nd year. I ask that they let me spread my work out a little bit. I stumbled early on in the year and I have never been able to catch up. I'm not asking a lot. I am not asking them to let me off the hook, just dull the hook a little. Give me some more time.

If you think that talking to "ET", or the head of the university, or anyone will help, please tell me what to do. I spent this whole weekend trying to work on the retrieval project sketchbook and I'm finding that I am failing in all the same ways I have before. I am so stressed out I can't find a new way to approach it, you know? I am trying to focus, but the looming monster of another set of double projects, plus the portfolio, plus the work IN the portfolio is really setting me up for failure. In case balancing all that for someone with ADHD wasn't difficult enough, the stress and fear of not being able to move on to 2nd year is making creative thinking nearly impossible for me. Any artist understands that, and I am sure you do too.

I know you cannot bend the rules for me. Who can?


Thank you for yet again reading another inappropriately familiar rant from me,
-"Redhead"


I feel utterly destroyed these days. I am so down on myself and my design abilities I can barely get out of bed in the morning, and barely sleep at night. I am making myself ill with stress and contained fury at feeling powerless over my situation. I don't know what I want anymore. Do I want to stay? Do I want to just drop out? If I dropped out could I forgive myself? I want to stay and give it one last go, but the amount of work I have to do is almost impossible, especially when I am this stressed out.

I am so lost and confused, and have never felt more alone in my life.

I just want someone to help me.

A Change of Direction

Well. It looks like things are most likely not going to work out between me and St Martins. Despite all my work and all my desire to stay here, it seems the university does not feel the same way.

I have another meeting with the Dean tomorrow, and that will determine a lot about what I do next.

I am distraught at the thought of leaving London. No, "distraught" is putting it mildly. Let's say I feel as though my very being has been battered and humiliated. It's all I can do to get out of bed and face the day ahead of me. I feel as though I was offered the chance of a lifetime and then laughed at when I dared to reach for it. There was a moment when I really felt I could do this. I felt I could make this happen. I felt I could be the next big thing. But I stumbled a little early on in the year, and the school has never let me recover from it.

I cannot bear the thought of returning home to San Francisco right now. I can't bear to face people when they ask why I'm back. My every instinct is telling me to run as far away from home as possible and never look back.

So if the meeting with the dean doesn't go well tomorrow, and this horror does in fact become my new failed reality, then I am going to indulge that impulse. I am going to stay in London for the next six months. I am going to travel alone and I am going to figure myself out, and reclaim what little of my soul I can.

I am going to go to Paris for a week. I am going to go to Milan and Venice. I am going to go to Berlin. I am going to buy a proper camera and I am going to take photos, indulge in my rediscovered passion for photography. I am going to sketch every day and drink too many cappuccinos. I will yell at Italian men for commenting on my ass, and I will smirk at the hairy french women that dress incredibly well. And maybe I will find something in those next couple of months that will enliven me again, and help me find the fight in me again.

And then I will decide what I want to do, and where I want to do it.

I have no portfolio to speak of, so I can't apply for any design jobs. But I am considering taking out one massive loan and getting a place for myself to work. I want to hire a seamstress and I will churn out a line of garments that are all Me. I will make things so ridiculous and amazing that when I show my friends at CSM what I'm working on, they will wish they could work with me. And fuck CSM and their ridiculous sketchbook/research book bullshit. I've learned so much about research and print and design processes that I don't give a shit if CSM doesn't like my sketchbooks. I spent all this time trying to figure out what they wanted so they wouldn't fail me.... so they would give me a fresh start, a chance to find out what I wanted. But they didn't. And I don't think they ever will.

The best revenge is success. Sometimes a good beating isn't so bad, but I'll settle for success.

A Visual Overview

I have a portfolio due on Wednesday, and so I've had to suck it up and take photos of all the work I've been dreading looking at. Going back over my work I can see now how poor the quality of work really is, but I can't quite figure out how to make it better. I can see why I failed. And failed. And failed. And failed. I found that staring at my work en mass was incredibly depressing and as a result I have barely done any work on my portfolio. I still don't know what the hell I'm going to put in there.

But I have had to take a few photos of my garments. Since I have them, I might as well share. More are forthcoming.


The Shirt Project: I chose to design with Vivienne Westwood in mind, drawing inspiration from the 90's attitude of apathy, and layered look of eastern European nomadic tribes.

The White Project: We could use only white felt or cotton to make our garment. While I HATED the other two pieces I made, the amount of time and effort I put into delicately shredding and hand-gathering this felt top stopped me from throwing it out like the rest of the project. Pared with black leggings, a pretty blonde, and a brick wall, it doesn't look too bad, I suppose.







The Accessory Project: The goal of this project was to try our hands at various printing techniques. I tried as many as I could at the time, but opted for a simple, elegant velvet devore of two bird wings.





The Retrieval Project: This was the "Congratulations you failed!" project that I was forced to do at the same time as all my other work last term. As a result of the time pressure, the garment was thrown together in one day, and has nothing fancy or insane on it. Except for the fact that the red sleeves are in fact long enough to touch the ground. It was inspired by deep sea creatures and by the vintage diving helmets.





The Metamorphosis Project: This was the team project that went to hell. I ADORED working with my team mate. She and I want to work together again. We started our project by sketching things at the Darwin exhibition, and focused on the ideas evolution, natural selection, and protection. We ended up designing two clashing prints- hers was a blocky, graphic print in two tones that felt like a tribal print of muscle fibers and cells. Mine was a print of black hair on a skin-toned fabric used to cover an exoskeleton that was to be worn over her muscle dress. It wasn't meant to be beautiful or wearable, just interesting and conceptual.
(Please pardon the shitty photo, we had to take it indoors in a poorly lit hallway due to rain.)




Ok, that's it for now.

How hard you can get hit

Given the current messy state of affairs I call My Life, I thought it apt that the boy sent me a reminder, ala Rocky Balboa:

"It ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward."


Thanks, Mr. Balboa.

Heh

"Sometimes I look at you, and all the work you do, and how stressed you are, and I am so glad I decided NOT to go into fashion design."

That is what one of my flat mates said to me this morning.

Early Hunting

For the past two days, despite all my homework and stress, I have suddenly become obsessed with apartment hunting. I'm toying with the idea of living alone. Might be too lonely, might be a nice change.

I could live by myself in San Francisco, no problem. But I worried for a while that living alone in London would just highlight how lonely this city can be. But I can safely say that sometimes I want to be lonely. I would love to come home to my own little place after a full day of working around other people.

But financially, that might not be in the cards. So for now, I'll keep myself busy dreaming and searching every rental agency website I can find.

A Taste of What I Do

Here's a snapshot of my first round of research for one of my many projects. I'm sure I'll do about three times this much by the time I'm done with just the research aspect of the sketchbook.



Trying to go about research in a different way after speaking with the dean....

I Fought the Law, and the Law Won... I think? Or wait, did I?

Well, the meeting with the dean did not go how I expected. In fact, he calmed me down. It took me by surprise that talking with him in his dimly lit office would make me feel so satisfied. He was the first person at the school who stopped to listen to me, and agreed that the policies were crazy. Though he knew of no way to work around the policies, or go about changing them in time for them to affect me.

When I addressed the massive number of students failing, he told me it wasn't uncommon at CSM (though I've heard otherwise from 3rd year students). When I discussed the need for in-depth feedback he explained how difficult it is to give feedback and concrete success criteria when each student is encouraged to find their own style. I told him I understood that, but that a tutor's job is to recognize each student's style and work with them to develop it. And that is when the whole meeting changed.... he asked if he could see my sketchbook.

In five minutes, the dean gave me more constructive, mind-blowing feedback than I have gotten from my tutors in the last six months. He told me what was good, he told me what was crap (he apologized and said, "not to be too blunt, but this drawing is utter crap. Why did you draw this when you can draw like this?" and pointed to another sketch.) He looked at my research and pointed out exactly what I've been missing, and suddenly it seemed so obvious. It made sense. He showed me what I was lacking and suggested I approach research and sketchbooks in a different way.

I was shocked. I was inspired. I felt like I could do these four projects and enjoy them. It was hard to hear him tear my work apart, but it was also incredible and inspiring. When he pointed out my shortcomings it was as if they were so grossly obvious I couldn't believe I'd never seen them before.

When he finished I said, "if any tutor had EVER given me that kind of feedback in the last two terms, I would not be sitting across from you now." He chuckled, and told me that he was going to speak with the Evil Tutor about this issue. I expressed my nervousness about him confronting Evil Tutor because I was worried that his ego would be bruised, resulting in anger directed towards me and my grades. The dean assured me that the issue of feedback is a larger issue, and it is something that needs to be addressed. He also said that if Evil Tutor gets at all uppity, that I am to meet with him again so he can have words with the tutor.

He advised me to do all my work while continuing with the appeal process, and that he would assist me with it. He also said that if I pass this Retrieval project and all the other projects this term, my chances of moving onto 2nd year are good.


I left his office feeling strangely accomplished , though in the end I guess nothing really changed. I found that the fight I was entering would be a round against the entire university, and almost assuredly one I would lose. I suppose I gave in to the five projects I have to do. But I also feel as though I have the dean on my side now. He is one of the people who decides who goes on to 2nd year. And now, despite my low grades, I am more than just numbers to him. I am a girl who voiced her concerns and who wanted more feedback, and the opportunity to do better. And when he speaks to the Evil Tutor, perhaps things will change. Perhaps I will get more feedback from now on. Perhaps not. If not, the dean told me I can come speak with him again.

Am I backing down? I don't feel like it. I just feel that my time would be better spent trying to put his feedback to good use, and improving my grades this term. If I don't fail any projects, then this whole "being kicked out" drama goes away, you see.

I didn't really get to enter the ring. I was fully prepared to start one hell of an epic fight with CSM. But the dean's attitude, his empathy for my situation, his honest feedback and critique of my work, and his offer to speak with the tutor satisfied me for now.

And now that I think about it, entering the ring was never the point. The point was to make my concerns heard, and ensure that I had the opportunity to improve and grow as a designer and student. Hopefully I got that. So maybe The Law didn't win.

Taking On the System

I haven't written for a while, and it's because I've been gearing up for a fight with CSM.

When The Boy and I arrived at my place in London, I found two letters from CSM at my door. I'd been dreading them; I'd been hoping they wouldn't come. One letter said, "you failed last term and have to do ANOTHER retrieval project." The other said, "you failed your last retrieval project and therefor your position at this school is up for review."

In short, over ten of my classmates and I are in danger of being kicked out or held back. Ten out of 36 students is a ridiculously high number of positions to review, wouldn't you say? Although one or two people really do need an ass-kicking to get themselves in gear, it is my opinion that the rest of us have been unfairly threatened.

I currently have an appeal in to the school board to say that I should not have failed the last term and would like to be reviewed again. I also have a meeting with the dean of fashion tomorrow afternoon, during which I will not only request that my unfair retrieval project be revoked, but that from now on my classmates and I need concrete feedback and more attention from our tutors.

If over ten people are failing miserably, then CLEARLY something isn't right. If one or two people were failing, then it's probably their own fault. If a third of the class is failing, something else is going on.

It has been my complaint from the beginning that the tutors don't give me guidance or help of any kind. I know that they are not supposed to "teach us" per say, but that does not excuse the fact that I have been unable to get a straightforward answer from any tutor about why I have been failing projects. Time and time again I have sought out real guidance, help, tutorial time, extra advice, and every time I have been told, "just keep going" or "work harder". I was willing to deal with the frustration of this situation until it became a threat to my position at this university.

Yesterday I met with my tutor. The evil tutor. I decided that before I go speak with the dean I should give me tutor one last chance to explain himself and his grading. He told me that I should "look forward, not look back" and that my work was.... wait for it..... "too glam". Glam? GLAM? He told me that I favored one-shouldered slim fitting designs and never experimented with shape and silhouette. This, incidentally, is utter bullshit. And I told him I disagreed. He shrugged, dismissing me. He had his chance to explain himself, and now I'm going to speak to his boss.

*shrug*

So. Tomorrow I meet with the Dean. I am going to bring in some work, and the school's handbook which clearly states that I should be getting feedback in written form after each project I fail explaining WHY I failed. The handbook states that I may seek out extra help from my tutors if I am confused. It also states that I should be warned if my work isn't good enough to pass. I am going to sit across from him and tell him that I am concerned with the way things are going. I am going to be professional, diplomatic, sweet, but very firm. I want my project graded again because I did NOT deserve to fail. I want my retrieval project removed. And on behalf of myself and the other students that are caught in this huge machine, I am going to demand that we get more thorough feedback, concise success criteria, and more tutorial time.

If this talk doesn't go well, I will go higher. I will piss them off and bug them and plead with them until I am sure that they will make efforts to fix this problem. I shouldn't have to fight for an education. I will gladly take an active role in my education, but tutors shouldn't yell at us for asking questions, or cut us off when we ask for more help.

I am fed up with this place and now they are threatening to pull the rug out from under me right when I am starting to get a grip on life at Central St Martins. Well, I won't let them. And if for some reason I fail, I have so many other options and plans that CSM will someday look back and wish they could have added my name to their "notable alumni" list.

Wish me luck.