Countdown

The ticket has been booked. I fly home October 12th.

Lomography: It Should Be My New Hobby

Lori gave me a lesson in lomography a few weeks ago, and with my first go, I got a couple of pictures I really like while we wandered around East London:

Things to Remember

Don’t be afraid of simplicity. It is okay to do things you can already do well. You don’t always need to suffer for your art.

Portrait with Tea

Photo by my favourite redhead ever, Lori Smith

No Rest for the Wicked

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Tiny Steps

Today I did something I've been wanting to do for over a year. Today I threw out the project that haunted me and nearly drove me to murder at Central Saint Martins. I never got rid of it for fear that, I dunno, I might suddenly fall in love with it later on. I unceremoniously shoved it under my bed and glared at it every time I happened to catch a glimpse.

Remember this horrible thing?

No you probably don't, and that's a good thing. It was a two person project and I got teamed up with my favourite person in the whole class. She and I worked out asses off, doing every step of the project together. She designed and printed the muscle-inspired dress, and I designed and printed and made the skeleton-inspired cage over it, printed with a photograph of hair and skin.

When it came time to present the entire class was impressed with what we had pulled off in ten days. I hated it, and it wasn't well made, but at least it was done and it looked just like my idea. However when it came down to grading, my partner passed and I failed. We were graded by the Evil Tutor, who adored her and hated me.

I was so furious and defeated at that point I gave up. I stopped feeling any semblence of optimism and began assuming the worst- which did indeed come to pass. This project marked the beginning of the end in my mind.

So today I pulled this piece of shit out from under the bed, pulled the dust bunnies off of it....

Carried it downstairs looking like a hairy, curled up dead spider.....

And happily threw it into the skip, never to be seen again!
 

It was incredibly liberating! I look forward to going through my other projects soon and tossing them out as well!

The Anxiety Dream of CSM

Last night I had the strangest anxiety dream. It didn't have any of the normal trappings of an anxiety dream- in fact most of those classic things happened, but I wasn't worried about those. What I was worried about in this dream was not being helped when I needed it most.

So my dream began on the morning of a project presentation at Saint Martins. I had worked my ass off and created an epic presentation, a beautiful dress to show, and I was nervous, but ready. We had to present in a theatre, mic in hand, to an audience full of people. That didn't bother me.

The dream skipped forward and I ran up on stage, grabbed the mic and began to banter with the audience and tell them a little about my project. I was ready for my model to come on stage. But no one came. It turns out that my classmates/friends didn't feel like trying on my dress, and just decided not to model for me. So I had no dress to show, and the rest of my presentation rested on having the model out there on stage with me.

I turned it into a joke on stage, and ended my presentation without actually presenting anything. Backstage, I was furious! I looked at my group of tall, skinny classmates that had agreed to model and demanded to know why they just caused me to publicly fail my project when I had worked so hard on it. They answered with, "we're tired," and that was that.


I woke up feeling let down and untrusting.

Where Has the Redhead Gone?

In case you've been wondering why I haven't posted in ages, it's because I've decided to give my whining a rest and start focusing on what I'm doing with my life. I try and post on my Tumblr no less than 5 times a week, if possible. So keep an eye on me there if you'd like.

Coco de Ohshit!

This evening my favourite redhead and I went to see Sam Roddick, creator of the amazing store Coco de Mer, speak on sexuality. And after this inspiring, enlightening talk, I somehow managed to worm my way into asking if I might design a range of shoes for Coco de Mer. Why? Because I felt ballsy at that moment, and I know I could do it. To my surprise she was interested and gave me the contact information of her head of design development.


Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit! What did I just do??? Ok, I need to source some makers and materials, stat! At least I know I can aim high for quality when it comes to price point because CcdM is not a cheap store. I need to have a small line of designs with some projected costing ready to show her, and it needs to be soon.
Why do I do this to myself? Because I need deadlines and a fire under my ass to do anything.

Christ on crutches, I need to enlist all my contacts to pull this off. But it’s worth it because how fucking incredible would it be to release my first line of shoes at Coco de Mer?

I have a LOT of questions to ask my design internship mentor guy now… oh shit.
Oh shit.

The Last of Formspring

Formspring is a bit dull.... well no, it is VERY dull. So I'm closing my account. But there have been a number of questions that I'd like to remember. It's always interesting to have something to look back on to see what your mindset was a few years back. So here are a few:


What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?
The truth that I always need to be reminded of: Don't discount things just because they are easy.



If you could go back in time 10 years and tell your younger self something, what would it be?
Stay in dance class and keep playing cello.



If you could make one person fall in love with you who would it be?
He already has.


What do you consider to be your best quality?
My best quality is also my downfall: I never take the easy route. I don't feel that something is worthwhile unless I've nearly died for it. You can see how this would make me push myself very hard, but also discount every success along the way, always sure that I didn't work hard enough for it to really count.



More or less ?
Tough question. I tend to say "more". More sequins. More hairspray. Longer lashes, higher heels, brighter hues, spicier foods, redder reds, and chromed silvers. Moderation can go to hell. Ridiculous is always better than boring.


When was the last time you had a fight? A physical dust up.
I've never had one! Which is a shame because I'd really like to see if I can handle myself in a fight.


Everyone knows the internet is fabulous. what's the best thing you can do with it?
Pretend.
Pretend until it's real.


What would you do if a man slapped your bum and gave you a wink? In this instance he's extremely handsome. Smack his ass right back, and possibly his face. I don't care how attractive you are, you don't start the conversation by manhandling.


What's your earliest memory?
I lost a lot of memories of my childhood after my dad died when I was nine. But little snippets of my life come back every now and then. I remember making puppets at my 8th or 9th birthday, and before that I remember playing with dolls at my friend Kim's house. I remember the spaghetti Brianna's mom used to make (it had peanut butter in it). I remember watching Xmen and Spiderman cartoons with my older brother. I remember my first computer- DOS, black and gold screen, floppy disks. And I remember being obsessed with Labyrinth and trying to dress like David Bowie's character through most of elementary school.


What's the most you've paid for a meal?
I don't remember money, I remember experiences. I've had a lot of amazing, incredible food with my friends. We've gone out to ridiculous restaurants and had delicious drinks with decadent meals and discussed nerdy things over rich desserts. Sure, these experiences weren't cheap, but I'd be a fool if the amount of money I spent was the memory I took away from those evenings.


Why is your worth tied to a large boatload of success?
Not a boatload. I don't need to be rich and famous, if that's what you mean. I just want to feel a sense of accomplishment within myself.


What would your dream job look like?
Dream job? I'd work in an ex-industrial warehouse with amazing windows. Open plan seating, large tables, and a small team of people working with me. I'd have a workshop full of the tools that one needs to make and design shoes (industrial machines, belt sander, vacuum moulding, etc etc) and a windowless, but bright room where latex is stored/made.

At all times our fridge would have champagne and Hendricks in it.


What would the you-of-five-years-ago make of you now?
Surprised.

Five years ago I was 19 years old. I was in my first year of art school, living in my first apartment in San Francisco (which was a disaster), neurotic, confused, needy, unsure, in a difficult relationship situation, and probably more than a little depressed. I was also on the tail end of being goth. I didn't know what I wanted, and was easily influenced by others.

I still face a lot of the same issues, but with a certain grounding in myself now. And although I am easily intimidated by people, 19 year old me would have been terrified of 24 year old me. I'm a very different person. A lot stronger, a lot more together. And when I'm not, I'm a lot better at faking it.

24 is way better than 19


What's the secret to happiness?
Paying attention to the little things and not just the long term big picture future stuff.
(I need to remember this)


If you had a friend moving from the US to the UK, what bit of "culture shock" would you warn them about?
I didn't experience much culture shock moving here. What's funny is going back to the US after being here for a long time. You notice how loud Americans are, and how dirty and under-dressed most of us look in public. You also notice how much more aggressive Americans are, and not always in a bad way.


But, moving here I noticed a few things right off the bat. If you don't already know how to use two pieces of cutlery at once, learn. Whatever is your normal speaking volume, turn it down two notches. If you don't like cream on everything sweet, you're in trouble. Workout culture isn't as prominent here, but there are more skinny long legs in London than I've ever seen in one place before. Pubs close at 11, but bars and clubs are open much later. You can go to the pub at 2 though, and afternoon pub culture is like American coffee shop culture- you go there, have a drink, read, hang out. The sausages you get at any grocery here are yummier than some of the expensive sausages in the US. Londoners aren't a terribly friendly group, but don't be afraid to stop and ask someone for directions- they are British after all, and too polite to do anything but answer. And on that note, the Brits are a reserved group, but get them alone and they are the all big nasty pervs- it's fantastic! If you've never been to England, you should know that people aren't all like John Cleese. Pure silliness isn't common in the culture, but self-deprecating humour is. There is a big difference between the two. Also, make sure you have tea, scones with clotted cream and jam. It's delicious.

Lastly, it has come to my attention that many people seem to think The Full Monty means naked. If you've seen the film, and make that association, you might be surprised by some of the menu items at breakfast joints here in the UK. So let me clarify that for you all- it means "everything".


Are you a man-hater?
What? No, not at all. I'm a stupid jackass hater, and that applies to all genders.


What is your experience of England?
This


Which bothers you more - that you can't take a compliment, or that someone YOU compliment can't take one? 
Both. But I'm very bothered by people who can't take compliments. And then I feel like an idiot because I do the same thing. But I am trying very hard to learn how to say thank you and really hear what they are saying, and not discount it.


Would you agree you're hot?
In my opinion I am average with a few quirks in my looks that make people pay attention.


Spooning or Spoonerisms?
There is no spoon. Try and realize that it is not the spoon you are asking about, but yourself.


What is your ideal day out?
One that starts with brunch and mimosas, involves something ridiculous, something educational, something challenging, something inspiring, and ends with marathon sex. (you know I'm talking about you, @astra)


What's worse, lack of stability or sacrifice of ambition?
Sacrifice of ambition, no question about it. I'd rather risk it all for something than spend the rest of my life in relative comfort wondering and wishing and regretting. I never want to look back on my life and say "if only I had done what I wanted to do, instead of what I thought I should do..."


What do you see yourself doing in 5 years time? 
I would like to be living with my Boy, in a flat near my working studio. I'd like to either share a workspace with a few designers, or have teamed up with someone to start a label. I would like to travel a lot, to London and to my manufacturers (which will most likely be in Spain or Italy). I want decadent friends, a decadent arty life, and uh, a good ass. Also, good dresses and shoes. ;)


If you were to become famous what would you like to be known for?
Making fabulous things and being fabulous in them alongside other fabulous people. Essentially, I would like to earn the title Emperor Fabulous!