25 pt 2- a shoe-filled happy day!

My 25th birthday was awesome! The only thing that could have made it even better would be having my boyfriend here with me.


As I walked home through the park, carrying a berry tart and a bag full of goodies I thought back to my birthday one year ago. I was turning 24 and spending my birthday alone. I didn't really know anyone, had just left Saint Martins and I was feeling pretty shaken up. And now at 25 I spent the day surrounded by some of my favourite people, feasting on tea and cake, and trying on shoes I could never afford with my favourite redhead!

The day began a bit badly when my birthday high heels were delivered and I found to my dismay that they'd sent the wrong size. Having planned to meet said Favourite Redhead at Liberty for tea and cake I suggested we meet outside Selfridges, so I could return the shoes I'd ordered.

I've always been afraid of big fancy department stores like Selfridges, but today I found it really fun to go in and browse. I returned the shoes and instead bought the ones I REALLY wanted in the right size. And because it was my birthday I  let myself go try on ridiculously high shoes and prance around the store for a while...

 

Then, to make sure the day was FULL of shoes, we visited the Vivienne Westwood shoe exhibit in the basement of the store. And Oh. My. God. SO inspiring! SO brilliant! If you are in London, and love the glorious Miss Westwood, go take a look at the mini-exhibition. It's worth your time, trust me!

Feeling a bit like a tourist with my American accent and big ol' yellow Selfridges bag, we made our way to Liberty- another store I've been scared of- for fancy tea and cake. We ate so much cake we both had an insane sugar high followed by an immediate food coma. But the coma was offset by the best birthday gift ever.... a miniature red silk fez, custom made just for me! It is made to sit on the left side of my head at a jaunty angle. I LOVE IT! It makes me go SQUEEEEEE every time I think about it!

After tea we wandered upstairs to the shoe department just for a looksee (because, yaknow, we hadn't seen enough footwear for one day) before heading out into the Carnaby street crowd. We passed Irregular Choice's new store and spotted a pair of boots in the window that I'd been curious about. So I figured, it being my birthday and all...... and the boots looked SO good and fit SO comfortably that I have decided to get them as soon as I can afford them. They are space girl rockstar boots!

Then it was time to head back to East London where my coworkers (have I mentioned my new job yet?) were having a September Birthday Do, as 4 of the 5 of us have September birthdays. I'd invited a few friends and took my shoes, my fez, and my girl with me to the bar. We were greeted with hugs and an open bar tab, and a huge red fruity tart just for me! :) How did they know I prefer fruity things to cake?

Friends turned up, drinks were had, chatting seemed to be going well when my boss suddenly pulls out his phone to show me a photo. "Lady Gray," he says (he calls me that in the office to distinguish between myself and the other Rachel),  "what is your opinion of these shoes?" He shows me a pair of United Nude heels that I have seen before and liked. Knowing United Nude is having a sample sale at Truman Brewery (get down there, people!) and knowing he's been looking for a pair for his Rachel, I gave them a thumbs up. Then he said, "well if you like them, they are yours! I found them in a size 41, and Rachel said you'd like them and I thought they might be your style, so...." My boss bought me shoes! SQUEEEEEEEE! 

 

The evening ended and I was full of gin and tonics, covered in birthday kisses and hugs, carrying cakes, shoes, a graphic novel my friend illustrated, and a fez made just for me all the way home.

It was a very good day.

Victor? Victoria?

An actual conversation between myself and a girl I met today:

     Me: "I love the sequins on your sweater." 

     Her: "You're just a human magpie aren't you?" 

     Me: "I prefer the term 'drag queen' actually, thank you..."

Leather, Friends, Pilates, and Awesome

My life is a nice mess of extreme emotions right now. My friends and my internship give me extreme (often creative) highs. For example, today I hemmed and hawed about leaving the house to go to my leather supplier. I needed to source some fabrics for my mentor and also pick out something for my evening shoemaking class. But once I left the house on a mission, I was so happy I could barely contain it.

It's so warm out today it could reasonably be called hot. It is sunny and clear and breezy. I walked along the canal and stopped to have a coffee and slice of cake by the water, while I read The Ethical Slut.

I then walked up to the new East London Overground (it opened today!) and took this silent, empty, smooth running train all the way to the docklands where my supplier rests in a cool warehouse stacked high with leather of every kind and colour. I wandered in, the owner recognized me, bantered with me, and secured his role in my life as Creepy Uncle Malcolm, the sex deprived leather supplier with a heart of gold.

Another example: last night I had dinner and drinks with my favourite redhead and we have planned to take some creative classes together, organise a craft weekend with our girls, go see some culturally educational shows, and all sorts of fun creative stuff. It's the best way to combine my favourite things- sexy friends and art!

Oh and another example: I've started taking classes at Frame and I'm becoming addicted to pilates. I can push myself, avoid hurting myself, and for the first time in my life, work my abdominals to the point of being in pain the next day. I'm so committed I've even scheduled an 8am class tomorrow just so I can get a workout in before I go to my internship.


What else.... oh, well this isn't a creative thing, but I have another piercing planned and I've decided I'm brave enough to do it. I think it's also a way of processing some difficult relationship stuff- pain, piercing, improving myself....

I am so in love with London sometimes. I have good friends, I have professional connections, and it's just plain awesome. Today just feels awesome. My feelings might have something to do with the raspberry mojito I'm sipping as I type this, but still.... awesome.

Reappearing Act

The ones you love most are always the ones you have the most tumultuous relationships with. It was that way with my very best friend through high school. She and I were inseparable, and we brought out the worst and best in each other. So when the tiny cracks between us began to widen, it was a dramatic, horrible ending. We haven't spoken in about four years. I knew that so much of our falling out was my fault, and I wanted to let her know that I was sorry. But I had no idea how to track her down. She had no web presence, I didn't have any phone numbers that worked, and we didn't have any mutual friends.

To me, she disappeared and was never heard from again.

Just before I left for London I found a blank profile on facebook registered under her name. She has a very unique name and so I sent a quick note just to see if anyone would respond. But no one ever did and the profile remained blank. I often wondered what happened to her. I worried about her. I hoped she was well and happy.

Time passed, I went to fashion school, my boyfriend and I became a proper couple, I moved to London, I went to CSM, I left CSM, I started a whole new life, I've made new friends, but she has often popped up in my thoughts.

Two days ago I received a response to that facebook message, accompanied by a friend request. It was her! (Turns out she didn't know how to track me down either, and never uses facebook.) She is alive and well and felt as awful as I did about how things ended. We both just want to catch up and hang out again, even if we can only do it via email for the time being.

To me it feels like she just came back from the dead. I am giddy over her sudden reappearance, and I've just hit Send on the first of what I hope will be many, many emails with my long lost friend.

Returning to England

It's Friday afternoon and the realization that I leave in three days has suddenly hit me. I am starting to feel the stress that was so familiar to me this past year as I begin planning to leave The Boy and go back to London.

But this time is different from all the others. I am trying to balance out the familiar dread by reminding myself of all the good things about my life in London since I left CSM. This will be the first time I'll be returning to my flat and NOT the horrible student halls. It will be the first time I return without having to go back to another term at the dreaded CSM. In fact I am already looking forward to taking more classes in shoes, and seeking out an internship. I also have a job to return to. It is also the first time I'm returning with friends, events, and familiar habits waiting for me on the other side. So I need to keep reminding myself of this any time I start to dread my return to England.

My last year in England will be good. Remind me of this when I start to complain.

Hello Again, San Francisco. And How Are You?

I can barely see what I am typing for the sunlight shining through the window. I am obviously not in London as I type this. I am in fact sitting in one of my old haunts in San Francisco watching the weather change from sunny to rainy and back again.

I've been back for nearly two weeks. I don't know how time is passing so quickly. I avoided coming back to SF for nearly nine months. After the CSM debacle I had to take some time to flail and run in circles. I suppose I felt intimidated by the caliber of friend I have in SF. Everyone I know is doing something- usually something noteworthy. I admit it was a self-centered impulse, but I didn't want to come back having failed out of a world class school without something interesting to show for it. My friends wouldn't have judged me or even cared of course, but I would have found ways to sense judgment where it wasn't. This summer was a really shitty time for me and I needed the time to sort my shit out. And I did, through shoes.



I was chatting with my friend Kitty the other day and I found myself saying, "you pick 'your thing' and you do it and do it and do it until people start to take notice." That is what I need to do. Make design my thing and just do it. And do it. And do it. And find people who want to work with/for me to help me do it. I am re-inspired to take a look over my shoe design sketches and think about investing some time and money into prototyping.

Yesterday I tromped around Isotope Comics in reflective silver boots and drank gin and tonics with lovely people. The store owner and local supervillain James talked me up to his customers and friends as though I were a celebrity. Like I said on Twitter the other day (do you follow me on twitter?) "Sometimes you feel like you're with the band. Sometimes you are the band. And sometimes you haven't even heard of the band and everyone laughs at you." James is one of those rare people who can't help but make everyone feel like they are in the band.

So here I am, back in San Francisco, missing London, but feeling like I never left this city. Of course I did leave. And I will be leaving again on the 25th and returning to England, which currently looks like this:


(thanks to Mr Ellis for the picture)

Though for now, I'm just going to enjoy my bitter coffee, served to me by a bitter barista, in a dirty cafe full of surly people.


And now I leave you with a photo I took in Chinatown.

Living It Up

Until two weeks ago I was one of those lame 20somethings that wasn't living up their youth. I almost always stayed in and opted out of social events or parties, making up excuses and finding reasons I couldn't go.

All of a sudden my biological social clock switched on and I've had to buy a little calendar just to keep track of all the events I've agreed to attend with new friends. I've sort of fallen into two different groups of lovely people that are into art, style, nerd stuff, and latex clothing.

London doesn't feel like such a lonely place anymore.

Where Things Stand

I have been remiss in my blogging duties. I know that a couple people back home read this in order to keep up with me, so this post is mostly for those who want an overall update.

I visited Goldsmiths some weeks ago, and was shown around the design department. I drooled over the BA Design program's facilities and the concept behind the program itself. On top of that, I really liked the idea of attending a college that wasn't just an art school. The diversity of thinking and temperament would be a nice change from all of the art-specific schools I have been to. In short, I would love to attend.

Of course the reality of life is that I can no longer afford to continue my studies, and a BA is no longer something I can aim to get. I've wasted a lot of time and money on three different schools and that decision has come back to bite me in the ass.

However, I looked over things and realized that I might be able to fund one final year of study, and suddenly the 1 year Masters at Polimoda began to look pretty good. But I find myself waffling. Maybe it's weakness, but I am hesitant to live in a country where I don't speak the language. I feel quite lonely here in England a lot of the time, so can you imagine not being able to speak comfortably with most of the population? Of course I would learn Italian, but I am very conscious of language and how it can be used. Starting over with a new language in a new country would make me feel very isolated again. I don't know if I want to do that.


In other news I have accidentally gotten myself a weekend job. I was asked to work by the head of the shoe design school. See, she runs two footwear boutiques and now I work at one of them as a salesperson. So that's kind of nice. It's also an in. It means she no longer sees me as just a student who pays to learn from her staff.

And speaking of shoes, I have been making a point of working on new design every day. I grab my bag, run down to the coffee shop and camp out with a sketchpad and a book of tracing paper. The coffee shop window sills are littered with Taschen design history books, so I often grab one at random, flip through to random pages and pick a lamp or a chair from which I sketch a page of shoes.

This new habit began when I was bitching and complaining about how I don't have access to the materials I need to continue making shoes. My flat mate got really angry and kicked me around a bit, telling me to get off my ass and stop whining. She then bought me a drink and discussed how she could help me proceed with creating a design portfolio. I worked out what I needed to do, and she offered to help me with the branding and design of the portfolio. She is also going to help me get a copy of Rhino so I can begin rendering my more radical heel/platform designs more precisely.


In other news, I have broken a long standing habit of being a hermit and begun socializing. Making new friends is really scary for me, but I really need to stop being a lonely, cranky bastard holed up on my couch and cursing the world at large.... at 24. So I've started making plans with people. Old friends, new potential friends. Every time I go to meet someone I get the overwhelming urge to cancel on them last minute. I want to wrap myself in a blanket and hide instead. But so far I've only canceled once, and that was with a legitimate reason. So, go me.


The Boy is coming to visit in less than two weeks. And as per usual I'm scrambling to make my apartment look nicer, and magically lose a few pounds. I get nervous every time he comes to visit, and dread the couple of days leading up to his departure. And since I won't be coming home for Christmas this year, I'm particularly dreading these next couple of months in solitude after he leaves.


And now I've run out of things to say, and I have to go run errands before I meet up with a cute girl for drinks tonight and pack for a party I am going to after I go to work tomorrow (whew!). So, in leiu of a witty summary for this rambling post, I leave you with a picture I took in Florence, that made me giggle:

Celebrate

I find myself at home with a sudden head cold (no, it's not swine flu, for the last god damn time people!) and sitting in bed with little to do but drink tea and bemoan the fact that I'm not out celebrating right now.

So what do I have to celebrate, you ask?

Today my flatmate and I learned that our application for a flat in Hoxton was accepted! And not only that, but we both decided that we hated the student dorms so much that we opted to move out sooner than we originally planned. Instead of September 5th we are now moving in to our new place on August 10th. Yes, I am mere days away from a double bed, a bath tub, a real kitchen, and a living room. Can you believe it? I still don't. I am still skeptical, and sure that something will go wrong. It is too good to be true.

I've lived in a lot of different apartments, but I have always rented a room in someone else's flat. It didn't seem right to leave my stuff in the rest of the house, interrupting their routines and habits. But now? Now I can create my own living habits and my stuff can be anywhere! I can do logical things like make a place for my DVDs in the living room! I can leave my sketchbook and paints on the table without fear of being in someone's way. This is huge for me, you see. I finally get to occupy the space I have and make it my own.

Secondly, and in some ways more importantly, I would like to formally announce that I have decided to leave Central Saint Martins School of Shit and Bollocks.

This, I believe, warrants a drink. A toast, even. Raise your glasses if you will to the end of an era and beginning of another, far better one.

When I found out that Evil Tutor failed my latex project (despite telling me it was good all the way through the process) I made up my mind that I would not be returning to that awful sham they call a university, regardless of whether they wanted me to repeat 1st year or move on to 2nd year.

Words cannot describe how incredibly happy I am to be free of that place.

For the first time in years I feel inspired, eager to learn. Eager to make my own way, to go out into the world and absorb information. I want to do everything, create everything, experience everything. I feel free. I have no solid plan, just a good solid feel for the direction I want to head in. And that is liberating.

Of course I can't deny that CSM is a good name to have on your degree. Those three letters will open a lot of doors for a designer. Though, point of interest, I have come to realize that it will also close doors.

In making the decision to leave the school, I came across an interesting phenomenon in the design world. Being able to say "I graduated from St Martins" is great, but there is a certain respect I get when I say that I studied at St Martins only to realize that the reputation wasn't justified, and chose to leave. Funny, that.

In case I haven't made it painfully clear, this is not a school that will teach you anything, least of all actual, technical skills. Now I know that we all love the idea of simply drawing out a pretty sketch and handing it to someone else to make, but frankly that is bullshit. You need to follow through. True artists of any kind need to understand their materials, their craft, their process.... and often those things will inform and change their design. Half the stress/fun is in the process of trying to make one of your designs and seeing how it changes and becomes better.

The reason I got my internship with my awesome design mentor is not because I went to CSM, but because I studied at a technical fashion school and have a background in theatre and performance. I even said in my initial letter to her that "despite hailing from St Martins, I have not yet had my love for design or theatricality beaten out of me." She knew exactly what I meant.

My point is simply that there is something to be said for knowing how to make things. Any things. Whatever sort of things you want to make. And if you want to learn to make things, then St Martins is not the place to be.


So raise one more glass to the end of St Martins. And give Evil Tutor the finger for me, will you?

In the meantime I am looking into community college classes while I consider other universities. And should I decide to attend another uni, I have decided that the classes I take will not be in fashion.

I need a break.

But I also have a good solid foundation in fashion now, and it's time to start expanding outwards. In order to do this I am devoting four or five days a week to my internship to learn as much as possible from the designers I work for. And when I begin taking classes again, I want to learn to work with other materials so I can incorporate them into my designs- plastic, wood, metal, etc. I want to work in anything besides fabric and learn anything except fashion.

More shoe making and design courses are already queued up (more on that later), and from these classes I have also developed a rather subversive plan regarding my future shoe designs. See, a friend of mine at CSM asked if I was planning on continuing to learn how to make shoes, and if so, would I design and make the shoes for her final show at St Martins. I of course said yes! See, this way I get to have my final 3rd year show at St Martins by putting my shoes in the show, right under the nose of Evil Tutor and all those other fuckers who told me I was shit. BWAHAHAHAHA <---evil laughter and mustache stroking

Hell, if you've managed to read this far I think you deserve one more drink. Raise your glass one more time to the closing of a miserable year at an all-consuming, pretentious, and useless school, and the end of a year living in a moldy, tiny, uncomfortable dorm room.


Cheers.

A Day in the Life

Today I am going to blow my budget on a few metres of latex which I will then cut apart into tiny bits, only to glue it back together with the help of my bored flat mates who I have guilt tripped into helping me. I've found that the not-only-are-you-all-done-with-school-already-but-you-all-complain-about-being-bored-all-the-time-so-who-wants-to-help-me-cut-expensive-things-into-tiny-shards approach works well.

I foresee a lot of coffee in my immediate future.

Looking Back

Rereading my old posts this evening I have noticed a few things. First, I think it is safe to safe that I have had a really tough year. I wanted London to be an exciting adventure, and instead it has been an absolute trial. But the second thing I noticed is how I have changed so much since I moved here nine months ago.

In my reading I ran across this entry, entitled I Hope Nostalgia Makes This All Seem Better dated 18 November of last year. I talked about hoping that I would look back on that first term when I faced my fear of failing and think about it as a good ol' learning experience. Turns out that the learning experience I would look back on would be an entire year of consistent failing and fighting and picking myself up over and over again. I had no idea what was coming for me.

I had no idea that I would learn to accept failure and get over it quickly. I had no idea I was capable of being smacked down so many times and getting back up again. I had no idea what hard work really was in fact.

I had no idea that the hard work would not pay off. I had no idea that the school would be run by rule-enforcing monkeys who see in black and white. I had no idea that CSM would in fact turn out to be a fantastic school for students who already know exactly how to do what CSM wants. I had no idea that I would learn so much DESPITE CSM and not BECAUSE of it. The girl who wrote that entry would never have guesed that she would be so fed up with the bullshit at CSM that she would secretly be glad they were throwing here out so she could pursue other interests.

I had no idea that I would ever be able to get an internship. And NEVER would I have guessed that I would have the presence of mind to choose to stay in London and seek out opportunities instead of going back to the comfort of my boyfriend. The girl that wrote that on the 18th of November had no idea about anything.

And yet despite all of it, I still struggle with many of the same things I always have. The long distance relationship is still incredibly difficult for me. That has not gotten any easier- in fact it has gotten more difficult the longer I stay here. I still face the same hurdles when I get stressed out. I still struggle with feeling insignificant and untalented when faced with the talented people I study with. I am still prone to fits of utter hopelessness and despair when faced with an impossible situation, and I still find myself being unreasonably furious at The Boy when he isn't there to give me a hug and calm me down. I still find that although I am MUCH better at taking criticism, I do not have a sense of confidence within myself that will ever match the strength of complimentary words from others.

It if for all these reasons that I know I am not ready to leave Europe. I am not the person I want to be when I return home. I am far from it. But someday maybe I will get to look back on this year and find that nostalgia will allow me to see the value in the experience.

It wasn't a total waste.

A Random Day with Absolutely No Homework

In the unexpected heat yesterday, I found myself at a fascinating talk at the Architectural Association about the future of cities and architecture. I only caught the last three speakers, but it gave me lots of food for thought for my own design.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the talk was organized by the writer of one of my favorite blogs, BLDGBLOG. If you have any interest in architecture, urban spaces, or the history of cities, keep an eye out for the BLDGBLOG book that is being released in a few weeks in the UK. This man is utterly brilliant. I approached him at the end of the talk and said his work was fantastic. I think I might have creeped him out a little. Sorry!

I went to see my friend Warren Ellis speak, but I was most intrigued by the speaker right before him- Francois Roche (sorry Warren, you know I still care). The way he approaches the design of a new building makes each of his structures feel like a story is being written. His focus is always on the process of creation, the cycle of death and life. Good stuff! I will follow his work from now on, and you should too.

That would be me, far right.


At the end of the talk, which was being live streamed, I gave Warren a congratulatory hug. Apparently the live stream was still going and Warren immediately began getting emails asking who I was. Shortly thereafter I got about 30 new followers on Twitter. Funny, that. If only I was an artist with a body of work I could be using this publicity for!

Warren and I then proceeded to a nearby pub and, forgetting that neither of us had eaten since that morning, got each other very drunk very quickly. I stumbled home and he hopped on a train and I ended my day curled up in a warm bed after a sympathetic room mate made this drunken redhead pasta.

And now, back to the regularly scheduled program: homework homework homework.

So Bad, So Good

The Bad: Today I blew up at some of my friends for trying to help me in ways that weren't helpful. I felt so bad afterward, and made it all better. No hard feelings.

The Good: Designer Mentor girl asked me to style a photo shoot in her stead with one of my favorite photographers next month while she's away on business.

Whew, Ugh, Sigh, Mrrrh

Yesterday was yet another disappointing day in that I presented my last project to a rather lukewarm response from my tutors.

This project was supposed to be a fun, no-stress project. But any project is stressful when you're supposed to "try a bunch of different things" and you have very little money to do so. It's funny how much experimentation costs, really. Let's say you are going to try a screen print on 10 different types of fabric. Unless you have stores of fabric laying around in your house, you have to go out and purchase those 10 fabrics, and enough to try your print a few different times on each one.

Generally you would want to try several different kinds of chemical processes on each of those fabrics, so you buy certain binders, chemicals, and fun things like foil, flocking, etc etc. By the time this fun little project is over, you look back and realize you've managed to spend 75 GBP without even trying. Seeing as how I have 1pound in my bank account, experimenting of this nature wasn't really in the cards for me this time around, and I think I am going to get a low grade because of it. But I mooched off of friends and tried really hard to do the best I could.

In an annoyed and defeated moment, I threw all my work into my locker and left it there, so I have no photos to show you. But I will grab the stupid thing next week and share some of my work. For now, here's the cranky burnout velvet scarf I did. It was supposed to be far more complicated, but I had a lot of trouble with the burnout. it didn't quite burn correctly and so I spent hours scrubbing it, and it still looks rough in places. It has a vintage look to it in person though, so that's alright. I wanted to try a bunch of other things on top of the velvet burnout, but frankly I ran out of time and energy near the end. I also found that almost everything I did to it really made it look grandmotherly, instead of simple and austere. So I opted for minimalism this time around:



In other news, I was informed that some of my work was being poorly imitated by some others. Which is flattering, and doesn't really bother me. But it was cute to see some of my friends get up in arms about it on my behalf. :)

I am just glad that this term is more or less over. I am so in need of a break.

My friend and I were discussing what CSM really stands for, if not Central St Martins. I've decided that it is either Catering to Sleep-deprived Masochists, or Confusing Students More.

The strange thing is that although I am physically exhausted, I am dying to get back into the print room and play with techniques more. I want to make things. Despite my anger at the school and Evil Tutor Man, I am still dying to make things. I think that's a good sign.

London Fashion Week

Guess who is skipping out of class for one day next week and attending.....LONDON FASHION WEEK? WOO! One of my friends happens to know one of the designers showing, and she gave us two passes to come see her show!

I've never been to a proper fashion show.

I have to look FABULOUS for the show... time to break out that fur coat.

Quick

A very quick update, as I am exhausted and busy:

I have the Congratulations-You-Failed-and-Now-Have-Twice-the-Work project half way done. It is due Friday morning. On top of that we have started our new project. Very stressed for time. However, it is a team project and I was paired up with one of my favorite people in the class. I feel very lucky. But first, I must magically finish this project for Friday. Eep!

No word on my grade for the shirt project yet. DYING to know what mark I earned.

My relationship with The Boy is undergoing some significant changes right now. And they are insightful, challenging, sad, happy, and confusing. More on that later.

I need a massage. All this stress, and hunching over my sewing makes me feel like I should be ringing the bells of Notre Dame or something. Like Spiderman said... "I hunch."

My flatmates have organized an "un-valentines" party for Saturday evening. Could be hilarious, could be fun. If nothing else, as the only person at the party who can hold their drink, it will be amusing watching my friends get drunk and play Twister in the kitchen.

And with that, I bid you good night. I hope to have the time to posts something more in depth in the next few days.

There is an I inTeam

There is a group of four or five of us that I think would make a very interesting design team someday.

Two of us are very artsy and innovative. Two of us are very organized. Two are very experimental in their design, and two prefer a style that is very structured and clean (I am the one that can kinda go in back and forth). Two have marketable styles, three have no interest in making it big. We all design very differently, but our designs compliment each others in unexpected ways. We all seem to boost one another when we work. We tend to work in the same room and call upon one another when we get stuck, or can't decide what to do.

We have a number of group projects coming up, and all of us have talked about collaborating at some point. I plan to work as a team when I become a real designer because I work best when I am able to bounce ideas around with someone and work through a design with another person. I wonder if I will find that person at CSM...

I Might Be a Zombie, But At Least I'm Not at the Bottom Anymore

I am exhausted.

Short of a 1.5 hour rest around 6am this morning, I have been up for over 36 hours now. Why? Because today we presented our Shirt Projects, and I, intelligently, chose to do something complicated.

Last night I slept 1.5 hours. The night before, 3 hours. The night before, 5 hours. And never more than 6 hours any night the week previous. I am tired. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. Overworked. Beat. Bleary. Spent. Zombified.

However I am going to say that I can safely assume I did not fail this project. I have been working so hard- I can't even explain to you what my days have been like. I used to work pretty hard on my homework at my last school, but in these last two weeks I have changed what my definition of "hard work" is. I have never been this busy before, and I have never accomplished so much in such a short time.

Based on the class response (and tutor response during the critique today) I have jumped from the worst student in class to designing one of the more interesting shirts turned in this project. I am very proud of myself just now. I blushed a lot in class because everyone wanted to try on my design. But I was so flattered and pleased. Not only did I help five or six other students with their pattern drafting and sewing, I finished my shirt, my illustrations, my research and sketchbook, and made packaging that the shirt would be sold in, if it were in a shop.

The assignment was to design as though you worked for a specific designer, and I chose to give Vivienne Westwood a go. I mixed prints for the first time in my life on this shirt. My shirt is both very Westwood-y, and very... well, I was going to say "it is very Me", but that's not entirely true. I stretched myself and tried something very different this time around. I will post some real photos soon, but for now, I've just posted a close up of my double collar.

I am so tired I must lay down. I can barely stand. The other day, I fell asleep standing in the shower. So sad. Now I'm going to eat crap food and watch crap movies and then sleep all night and all morning. It will be amazing.

Positive Again

I've had a decent day as far as my self confidence is concerned. Over lunch some of my more talented classmates told me that they have seen my work improving a lot since the start of the school year. They said that I have been working very hard and that they think the tutors see it. A friend of mine also said that I am very good at finding inspiration through images. She loves my new project idea. That was good to hear.

I also helped a lot of my classmates with their pattern drafting today, and although I feel like a hack sometimes, it is always fun to work with others and discuss design as though it were a puzzle to solve. It is a boost to my ego when people come to me instead of the teacher sometimes... is that wrong?

I have several classmates that I can genuinely call friends now. It's nice to feel liked and appreciated in class.

I began working with watercolor paints this evening for a project of mine, and I'm finding that I LOVE to paint. It is calming to my soul, to my meat and bones. Seriously, it is meditation for me. I want to learn to work in oils sometime because I would love to work on a painting for days, weeks....

I began working on my second project this evening, and I'm trying a new approach to my research. I am hoping it goes over well when I meet with my tutor on Friday. I think he is finally seeing that I am working very hard to improve, and that seems to make him all sorts of happy and helpful.

Tomorrow I will one again wake up before the sun rises, head to school and work until my brain shuts off. Then refuel on coffee and food, switch gears to work on my second project, meet a friend for a drink, and then work some more.

And my weekend only gets crazier from there. I can't wait to sleep...

Assumptions part 3: On Being Wrong

I think I should remove my foot from my mouth.

I talked shit on this blog about people I met in London, and I regret doing it now because those same people have turned out to be very cool for the most part. But I guess first impressions really do last, it seems. It's taken me a while to get over my initial opinions about some of my acquaintances.

But I realize I have my own prejudices and predetermined judgments about people that I shouldn't. Growing up in a liberal area, I prided myself on being SO open-minded and accepting. But the one sort of person I never had to deal with was a conservative. I see now that I had my own preconceptions about anyone with conservative views, and was predisposed to dislike them. But that was closed-minded of me. Much in the same way that I assumed any other American in London would turn out to be lame and creepy. It seems the people I looked down upon at the beginning of the school year have turned out to be very sweet, caring, kind-hearted people that I formed opinions about too quickly.

I considered deleting the posts about these people. But the truth of the matter is that those words reflect where I was mentally and emotionally at that time. And I think it's more honest of me to say that my opinions were wrong and have changed, instead of pretending that I never had those thoughts at all.

Perhaps I am too eager to define people as "potential friends" or "lame". Maybe I should give everyone a little more time in the future... because you never know who might take you by surprise one day.