26 January, 2008

Goodbye, Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom, and realized for the first time that I will really truly miss her when I leave. We have had our differences, but she is my mom, and she loves me unconditionally. She is really happy for me, and very proud of me, and even a little jealous, but by next fall, she will be half way around the world, eight hours apart, and living on a separate land mass from me.

I keep thinking about London as though my life, my favorite people, and my apartment will be transplanted there with only minor changes. It's slowly sinking in that I not only have eight months left with my boyfriend and my friends, but also with my family. And I realized that I will arrive in London alone, find my way to CSM alone, and sleep there alone in my little room while I try and create a new life for myself in a place where I know almost no one. And I know I will build a life there, but it will take time. And there will be things I will love, and things I will hate, just like here. I will find some people that I like, and some that I despise, and some that I will laugh at. But it will take time.

I suppose tonight is the first time I really understood that I will be starting over, and truly alone for the first time in my life.

Suddenly I realize how short eight months is....


I finally have a date: Sept 29th. That is the day classes at Central St. M begin. My birthday is Sept 2, the dorms open Sept 14, and I will fly away to England sometime mid-month. It's approaching very quickly, all of a sudden.

Lately, I have been working ridiculously hard on an application for an amazing scholarship that would make the whole school-in-London thing much less of a financial hardship for myself and my family. I have submitted me application and I am now waiting on one last letter of recommendation from a teacher.... and then I just have to wait and see. I want this scholarship. Badly. I want it so much that I am having trouble focusing on anything else.

09 January, 2008

UK Yankee

I found this forum called UK Yankee the other day, geared specifically towards US expatriotes living in the UK.

I made the mistake of reading the thread about all the things people miss about the US now that they've moved. I felt a little sad for the rest of the day. But today I found a new 19 page thread about the things people love about their new lives in the UK.... and it made me feel a lot better about leaving.

I've bookmarked the Good Things thread, and read a few postings every day to remind myself that it will all be okay.

03 January, 2008


Two or three weeks ago, I began noticing a tiny hint of happiness peeking through my otherwise abysmal outlook on life. It seemed the shock and sadness about moving to London began to lift, and these days I am not lying when I tell people I am excited to be going.

I am actually excited to be going.

During my last few days traveling about London, I stopped feeling like a tourist, and began allowing myself to pass by certain things I wanted to see. It felt like I already lived in the city, and I felt confident I would be able to see everything at another time. I was sure I'd move there and be happy. Lately I've been able to recall that sense, and remind myself that I was happy there. I was inspired there. I was fucking freezing there too, but that's nothing a few sweaters won't fix. I have gotten stuck in a rut here in San Francisco. I love this city, and I love my friends, but I am bored. And I need to do something differently for a while. One of my New Years resolutions was to shake things up, and have new experiences. I think I can safely say that 2008 will hold a lot of opportunities to do that....

A friend of mine here is moving to New York in a few months. We've been discussing how strange it is to buy a one-way ticket somewhere. Neither one of us has ever done it before, and something about it feels empowering and saddening at the same time. It's just so definite. So final. It means you've made a decision and will follow it through, alone. It's your next move and you've committed to it.

Right now, I'm in the midst of applying for a scholarship that would pay for one full year of my tuition at CSM, and maybe ever more. The deadline in Feb 1st, and I'm scrambling to get all the paperwork in. My current school has to recommend me, and they will do so if I get all my paperwork in to them in the next week or so. I'll be the first student from the San Francisco campus to be recommended for this scholarship. It sounds like an honor, but really it's just another way that my school ignores the SF campus in favor of the publicity-abound LA campus. Grr Hiss Boo.

I will keep you updated.