Ouch

Well. That was quite possibly the worst of all my flights from the US to the UK.

On a nearly empty plane, I was not the only person with a whole row of seats to myself... just the only person in a row of seats with armrests that didn't move. Twice, just as I was just beginning to doze off, the plane ran into some long-lasting hard turbulence. Children began screaming, couples grabbed each other's hands, and I thought, "damn it, I am not going to sleep at all if this keeps happening!"

I would not have made it through the day if my friend Kitty hadn't met me at the airport. I was so tired I was ill. Movement near me made me nausiated and I was starved and yet completely unable to eat. The exertion of pulling my suitcase around caused the world to spin. I was cold and then hot and then cold again.

When we finally made it back to my flat, I kept falling asleep and waking myself up saying, "I'm awake! I'm awake!" I couldn't eat a thing, not even toast.

Today I've spent most of the day in bed but I'm aiming to go see some friends tonight if I can handle standing long enough to walk to the tube.


Damn, I'd forgotten how much I hate traveling in this direction...

Gary Numan, Eigenharps, Boyfriend and Bad Weather

The Boy was here for ten days- ten very full days.

We saw Gary Numan in Manchester, wandered around Liverpool, played Eigenharps in Birmingham, had dinner with my new friends, met up with old friends from San Francisco, drank absinthe, mulled wine, mulled cider, ate too much food, spent too much money, and generally had a good time for ten days.

A few impressions and highlights:

*Gary Numan put on an EPIC show
*Drag Queens in Manchester aren't very friendly
*Girls in Manchester have fantastic shoes, but cannot walk in them. I should offer lessons.
*Afflecks in Manchester makes me feel old
*Liverpool has the coolest cathedral ever. And the creepiest graveyard. And my friends and I are all horror movie stereotypes- "hey everyone's gone, let's go back into the graveyard!" "what could possibly go wrong?" "Um, I'll stay here while you go." "Why isn't my camera working?" *while not looking at the monster coming at her...
*The unbelievable amount of hilarious FAIL during our trip. Bars, restaurants, tours, events.
*Liverpool had the shittiest weather ever. No wonder so much music comes out of there. "If we get famous, we can buy tickets out of here!"
*Coco de Mer is the best lingerie store ever
*I have lived here long enough to actually have a "favourite bar" and know which places have the spiciest indian food
*being one of the first couple people in the world to play an Eigenharp. I haven't been so inspired by an instrument in a very very very long time.
*being offered a fantastic situation where I might be able to learn more about shoes, teach, and gain access to the facilities needed to prototype some of my shoe designs!

These ten days have made me want to travel more while I am still here in Europe. I am inspired to start making music again. I can't wait to start working on making more shoes. I'm ready to start exercising and getting my health back. And these ten days have also made me incredibly thankful for all my friends in London.

It was a very full ten days. And now I need to relax and catch up on sleep. So I'm just going to hug this heater and settle in with Slaughterhouse 5 in my local cafe.

The Next Year

So let's just say that I decide to take a break from fashion design, and give myself a year to sort things out. I've been giving it some thought lately, and I've decided to start compiling a list of things which, if money was not an issue (though in reality of course it is), I would like to spend the next year doing.

First and foremost I want to TRAVEL. That is the one thing that never fails to come up in conversation with friends or family lately. I have an unbearable urge to run away and I think I should indulge it. I want to see the world, change my context, put myself in new situations and see if I can't narrow down a little of what I want out of life.

And while I am traveling I want to write. This blog is no example of eloquent literary scrawlings, but I CAN in fact write when I put my mind to it. I love writing. I love taking in the world and spitting it back out in a new way. But what would I write about? I am not well-traveled and so I cannot comment on traveling itself. I could write about fashion, but there are so many fashion blogs and fashion writers out there that it's almost moot to mention fashion at all these days. So what in the world would I write about? I am not going to write the next Eat Pray Love, although I would love to.... hm, I would love to.

Now traveling is great and all, but it is not cheap. The biggest hurdle with that is figuring out how to fund my exploring. Hmmmmm.


Second, I would like to start a design line. Nothing huge. Something small and very, very Me. I want to find my work being talked about on those design blogs that I read. I want to have small orders from little boutiques. I just want to love what I do and make beautiful things. In order to do this I need a studio space. Some time to myself. And a seamstress. I HATE sewing. And honestly I am not very good at it. I can design and cut patterns until I am blue in the face, but I need to hire a seamstress to see the work through. Laugh if you will, but I know my limits.

So, how do I find and fund a small studio space and a sample maker?

Third, photography. I want to invest in a good beginner-level digital SLR camera and start really indulging in my photography. I've found a real love for it over the last few months and want to develop a style. I think it would be useful in many many ways later in life.

And lastly, shoes. I am taking a footwear intensive next month and that will be my first taste of making shoes. I have a feeling that I will like it. A lot. In all modesty I would be AMAZING at shoe design. Shoes are the one thing I obsess about and have strong opinions about. If I know nothing else, I KNOW shoes. I would be the next Fluevog... only sexier. I want to start my own line of shoes and sell them.

And frankly, I know NOTHING about how to start that, so I won't even speculate about the steps involved.


So. How do I make these things happen?

The Truth of It

Last term my boyfriend and I tried to open our relationship to other people. It was my suggestion, and he agreed because we both hoped it might make the distance and loneliness a little softer. Long story short, it was a short-lived disaster that nearly ended the relationship. It became a source of heartache and incredible anger. It amplified the loneliness instead of softening it.

When we agreed to close the relationship, it was because we remembered that the drive behind this venture was love; was wanting to make sure the other person was happy and taken care of, even if it was someone else who was giving them that happiness for the time being. We opted to try an open relationship because we thought it would make loneliness of the long distance relationship easier to bear. And when it seemed that it was in fact making the loneliness even less tolerable, the answer became clear. Choosing to end the experiment was simple because we remembered why we began it in the first place.



So why am I in London?

I am in London because I wanted to be my own person. I am in London because I wanted to grow and change and evolve into the woman I want to be, instead of shuffling down the more comfortable path I was on. I came to London because I wanted to grow a spine. I wanted to stand on my own two feet. I wanted to make something of myself and come back to the US with an honest understanding of who I am and what I am made of. I wanted to have grounding in myself, trust in myself, and maybe a tiny bit of confidence, however small. I came to London because I needed something bigger, something more than San Francisco in order to do all of this. I needed to see what life was like without the safety net.

None of that has anything to do with the university that is going to kick me out.

I finally remembered that CSM was not my reason for coming to London. It was the means of getting me here.

I forgot that somewhere along the way. Like the open relationship experiment, I had to remember why I began this venture in the first place. I had to realize that this trip was never about becoming the next McQueen or Galliano. It was about becoming more of myself. The hope was that the challenges presented by CSM would facilitate that, but perhaps CSM is a small and insignificant test of my will when you really think about it.

There is so much more to fashion, to London, to England, to Europe, to the world, to my own story than CSM and the year I spent struggling to please people who could never be pleased. There is so much more to life than this. And I spent this weekend remembering that.

Looking back on this last year I can begin to see that Central St Martins was never the reason I came to London. It was the catalyst that allowed me to begin my own life. It was the carrot I dangled in front of my own nose so that I would continue walking ahead.

Of course with the carrot unfairly snatched away from me, I am hysterically running in circles in blind panic. "What do I do now? What do I do now? What do I do now? The carrot is gone, I have nothing to live for."

I am slowly beginning to see that I need to stop spinning and look at the race I am running. The carrot got me here, but "here" is what was truly important.

The truth of it all is that I came to London to learn. Not to learn to sew and not to learn how to make pretty sketchbooks. The truth of it is that I came to London to learn about life and who I am. And frankly CSM was keeping me from that. I moved half way around the planet to be here and face myself. To face my weaknesses and grow stronger. To face my insecurities and learn to stand solidly in the space I occupy in this world. To face my strengths and learn how to use them.

The decision to stay in Europe and seek out life despite CSM is an easy one to make when I remember the reasons I began this adventure in the first place. The truth of it is that I came here to face myself, change myself, and hopefully become myself.

A Smattering of Thoughts Today

Random thoughts running through my head today:

*I would very much like to design legs for Aimee Mullins.

*I would like to take a few short courses at CSM over the summer:
-life casting
-painting the nude
-experimental glass working
-experimental jewelery
-laser cutting for fashion
-knitwear (creating your own insane knits)
-couture tailoring
-starting a fashion business
-embroidery
-art criticism
-art and politics: from Dada to Deller

*I am going home on Monday! And while at home I will be doing a drag queen photo shoot!

*I am aching to get into latex modeling, but I'm not sure how to make contacts over here in London. Any ideas?

*I am considering opening my own Etsy shop, and starting to sell my prints and simple garments, just so I don't starve near the end of each month.

*I found the mother of all latex stores by accident while searching for a candy store yesterday. I want to work there. I want to wear EVERYTHING in there. I want to design clothes for the store. I want to model for the company. I want to be a part of that world. My friend went in with me, and after spending an hour in there chatting with the drag queen salesmen, selling a catsuit to a man in a suit, and buying myself a FABULOUS latex hood my friend turned to me and said, "wow, I've never seen you so in your element. Holy shit, that was amazing. It was like you suddenly turned on the fabulous."

*sigh*
I want to make things and create things and collaborate with artists and other designers. I want to be inspired.

Room Mates to the Rescue

It's funny how you find friends in the least expected places. The room mate I thought I would get along with best has turned out to be very illusive and rarely home and the room mates I thought I would not get along with at all have become the people I am most comfortable with.

We are all very different people. They are not normally the type of person I would pick out to be my friends. Really, we have almost nothing in common. But when I flew back to London, one of those room mates met me at Paddington station to help me manage my suitcases back to the flat. They fed me and hugged me when I spent the whole evening in body-shaking sobs over leaving my boyfriend behind.

On my first night back, terrified of being alone, I fell asleep in a room mate's room watching a movie. I crawled back into my own room later that night, only to wake at 3am missing my boyfriend with every part of my being. I felt like my heart was breaking, and I was terrified of being alone. I broke out into tears, miserable and feeling completely and utterly lost. But it so happened that one of my room mates was awake, heard me crying, and despite being the most sarcastic and distant girl in the flat, made me tea and listened to me for an hour. She then invited me into her room (she is very private usually) and put on some stupid TV show, knowing it was stupidly dramatic enough to distract me from my real drama.

At 6am I crawled back into bed and fell asleep again. I woke up feeling exhausted but much better. I felt like I had gone to the flat mates at my worst and they had offered hugs and sympathy when I needed it most. I am usually very hesitant about sharing my real feelings with people, but I braved it because I couldn't bear the thought of feeling so alone.

This morning we all woke up and made pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Yesterday they took me swimming. We have watched all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies and eaten home made chocolate mousse. Between loaning me electric blankets, helping me unpack, and making sure I eat, they have all taken very good care of me. And now we are going to a jewelry exhibition to see if we can get inspired for our various homework projects.

As much as I hated coming back here and leaving my boyfriend in San Francisco, I am so so so very glad I live with kind hearted people.

The World Keeps Turning

When I was leaving for London in September I found it hard to believe that life in San Francisco would continue without me.

I don't mean to say that I thought my role in San Francisco life was significant and irreplacable. I mean that I didn't realize how much things would stay the same. My friends still live in their apartments, still go to their jobs, still bicycle around, still want to see me. I didn't realize how easy it would be to reassemble the pieces of my old life as soon as I visited.

It seems so simple a thought. But you have to realize that I was leaving everything and everyone behind and facing the unknown, and that it seemed my life (as I knew it) was ending. So it was beyond me to consider that all the elements that add up to "My Life" would continue on without me being there to coax them along.

I fly back to London today, and I am a bit sad about it. I am stressed out about the homework I haven't yet started, and the second project I received in the mail a few days ago because I failed my first two. (That was an unpleasant surprise, and I have to go speak with my tutor about it first thing when I get back.)

I have a lot of work to do when I get back. I am really lagging when it comes to my homework. But in my defense, I haven't had a full day to myself since I arrived here. Of course now that I've found out I have twice the homework I did before, I am even more stressed out over all the research I need to do over the weekend before school begins. Ugh. I should have been more responsible with my time. Damn.

I suppose I am dreading flying back to London because I worry that I will be lonely again. Not just alone, but lonely. I am trying to remind myself that I have some new friends that will be eager to see me, and room mates that will probably meet me at the underground station when I arrive. It's not the same as seeing my long-term friends in America, but it does help sate my need for companionship.

On the other hand, I suppose being alone wasn't so bad in the end. The last two days here in San Francisco have been an odd reminder of that, ever since my boyfriend went back to work on Monday. But being alone all day in SF doesn't seem right, doesn't seem natural, whereas in London my entire life is structured around being on my own. I am used to getting around, going out, wandering, sitting in cafes, and spending most of my time with my only my own company. And I guess I'm not such bad company, really.

But I will miss having a warm boy to snuggle up to every night, and friends that I have years of history with. I will miss the sunlight. I will miss having no school schedule or school-induced stress. I will miss the familiar feel of San Francisco culture.

But I am looking forward to wandering around London again. In a weird way I am looking forward to school because I want to do better than I have before. I am looking forward to developing friends, even though it can be hard work. I am excited to hit a few museums and find some inspiration for my next couple of projects. I am looking forward to seeing the people in my program again, because I have been very lucky with the caliber of creativity and intelligence in my fellow students at St. Martins. And I suppose in a small, secret way I am sort of looking forward to being lonely. It has become my norm. Although loneliness can sometimes be unbearable for me, it allows me the space to figure myself out, unaffected by the powerful personalities I tend to collect around me.


And now I must go pack. My flight leaves at 6pm tonight, and I have a million things to take care of before I go. Next time I write to you, I will be on the other side of the pond.


I hope you had a fantastic holiday, and happy New Year to you all!

On Travel and the American Mindset Against It

On the walk home from the market yesterday my classmate and I compared notes. Being from Australia she has a very different sense of the world than I do. It got me thinking...

As a young person living on an isolated continent, there is an expectation in Australia that you will travel the world. This girl is only 23 and has been to so many places she can't even recall them all. She tells me that while she and a friend would be wandering the streets of Hong Kong or New Delhi, she would often run into other Australians doing the same thing.

In contrast I've grown up in a country that has an inflated sense of self. There is a deep rooted feeling engrained into us that America has it all, and has it the best... so why bother traveling, right?

It is incredibly expensive to travel within the US, much less outside of it. There are many roadblocks and issues to deal with when you leave the country. Just preparing to travel can be a very big chore. It's like they want to make you feel guilty for wanting something more than America. "I'm sorry, I really want to visit Burma, is that okay with you?" you're supposed to ask.

In America travel is seen as a luxury. People who travel often are "lucky" and living an exotic lifestyle. But in Australia, you're an idiot if you don't leave the island. How different the mindset must be to grow up feeling that it is natural and important to travel to unfamiliar places, instead of feeling that it's unusually decadent to fly coach to another country for a week.

I spent the walk home listening to my classmate, realizing I have missed out on a important part of life. And I promised myself that I would take steps to change that fact because I feel so ignorant of the goings on in the world around me. I suppose that is the result of growing up in a culture that encourages us to stay put, and be proud of it. America! Fuck yeah!