Another needley day- I patterned and sewed these boot mock-ups for my internship today. It was a quick job- just basic uppers and lining which we'll turn into shoes tomorrow. I would like to say that except for a few very visible parts where the leather didn't agree with the machine, it was refreshing to see that I CAN in fact sew pretty well when left to my own devices.
But yeah, I can't get away from needles it seems.
Not much to say these days. Mostly I run around every day either sawing/gluing/ruining things, tying stuff up, sewing things, running errands, or meeting people about Kinky Salon London stuff...
This morning I met with my KSL co-head of decor and we worked out how to build a Barbarella-spaceship-inspired seating area. At the moment it's a big ol' mess as we try out everything from stacked pallets to high density polystyrene to staging, covered in foam, cut down to size, covered in monster fur. It's turning into quite a debacle, but I am determined to make it work. I might have found the perfect solution though- I just got some price quotes back from a company in Leicester and things might be looking up.
My design mentor moved to a new studio, and I haven't been able to work with him for a number of weeks now. I was starting to worry that he was mentally doing design work and I was missing out on all the fun. What with my limited time left in London, any day spent not learning or working is a day wasted to me. So I've wasted three weeks sitting on my ass and moping.
Today was my first day back, and I feel high.
Not only is his new studio open, bright and shared with a few really cool designers, there is an onsite workshop full of power tools and saws and and and! I get so excited by workshops, I can't help it. It's a dream come true- this is exactly the sort of space I would want to have as a designer.
Although I spent the day doing menial tasks for no pay, I was finally reminded of why I'm leaving my retail job and choosing to be a broke intern instead. THIS is where I'm supposed to be- covered in sawdust, learning to shape and pour my own resin heel shapes, working on 3d modeling for rapid prototyping, playing with leather, latex, wood, rope, foam, plastic, and metal. I'm supposed to be engaging in creative discussions and brainstorming ideas with real designers, not selling strangers shoes and bags made by other people.
This is a good thing. Even if I have to make pouty faces at my friends to buy me dinner now and again. Leaving my retail position is a good decision. I am sure of it now.
My life looks something like this at the moment:
Two internships, one starting on Friday, one in a couple weeks I hope. One job I don't honestly have the time for, but need the money. Helping to organize an event (though I've been useless the past few days), and pulling together three complicated costumes for three different events. Meeting with my boss in a week and a half so we can figure out if I'm going to be starting a shoe design school in San Francisco and teaching there.
Ok, um I have got to fit the gym in here somehow. It's time to stop feeling so awful.
I am home from the fashion show, and I have kicked off my incredibly high heels. A cuppa tea, some food to balance out all the wine I had.....It was a good night.
The catwalk shows were held in a subterranean bar that used to be a bath house. The walls had skeletal wallpaper, the corners were draped in red velvet, and the place was lit by candles in golden candelabras. FAB. U. LOUS!
The clothes were by designer James Hock, and some of the key pieces were really fun. (Sadly, I didn't get great photos)
I know I know!
So it turns out that despite planning to scrap the film idea, they found a way to salvage the project and it looks like it's a go! So I was in the studio helping with some last minute things for a couple hours today.
Looks like I'll be at Fashion Week on Friday, after all.
Oh god. What am I going to wear?!
It is disappointing, but due to some problems with the footage, it looks like the film we were working on isn't going to be complete in time for London Fashion Week. The designer called me today and I could hear how depressed he was, even though he was trying to be positive about it- "I'd rather release my line later and be proud of the product than release something shitty and start off on the wrong foot," he said. I agree with him, but I'm very sorry he won't be putting his work out there this season.
But it looks like my eagerness to work with him has paid off in the long run. After he explained the film situation, he followed up by asking if I would come back to work with him on making and designing actual shoes in a few weeks! Looks like we'll be working on mould-making for unique heel shapes, production techniques, actual making/sewing/etc, pattern cutting..... His work is amazing, so I know I will learn a lot!
It seems that I have gone from a mini-internship to a proper internship in a matter of days. I'm thrilled!
Today I was loaned out to the girl who is shooting the film we're working on for London Fashion Week (to promote the designer's new shoe line- which is AMAZING). For the most part I cut paper and props for the miniature set. Very. Exciting. Work. Yes. Also, my hand is killing me and I never want to see scissors again.
However it was a great day. The film girl is lovely and I'd really like to work with her again. She's an incredible artist, but very modest and sane. She works in this old warehouse with great light, where digital artists rent out a desk space and all share the building. It's ideal! I only wish my art of choice wasn't so noisy and messy. I would love to rent a space there- the atmosphere of arty people working together is enough structure to keep me in line, but without the stress of school and evil tutors.
There was a sweet dog roaming around the studio, lots of tea, yummy food, hilarious people. Watched two graphic designers play Quake against each other for 15 minutes to blow off steam. Talked shit about CSM (YEAY!) and generally had a decent day.
Ow, my hands hurt.
Tomorrow I have to work at the shoe store. I wish I didn't have to because I could be of use on the project. But I couldn't get out of work- in fact I even have to work Sunday too (which I hate doing). But after work on Sunday I'm going over to the set and helping out all evening.
I am going to be exhausted. I already am. Which reminds me. I better go to sleep.
G'nite!
Ran errands all morning, worked until 10pm. Had some wine, had some food, met the designer's girlfriend, hummed along to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while I worked. Weighed in on a few design decisions (fun!). Learned a bit about mould making. Then I fucked up a little.... but he didn't blame me, and with the help of his brilliant girlfriend we figured out a solution.
Tomorrow I go help one of the other people working on his project, and then back to his studio to work some more.
Then I work my retail job all weekend (oh god!) And then I think I'm back on my mini-internship Monday.
I am absolutely knackered. G'nite.
Today was a big day for me because I began working on a short-term project with a shoe designer. I haven't mentioned it on here yet because I wasn't sure if it was going to happen. I met him through my little independent shoe school and really admired his work, so I bugged him and hassled him and charmed him and smiled very nicely until he found a use for me.
One day into it and I'm already learning things about making shoes, even though this project has nothing to do with making shoes. I've gotten to look through his technical specs, we talked about casting strangely shaped heels (yeay!), and I even found myself able to critique the quality of craftsmanship on the sample shoes his factory sent him -sure, I couldn't do any better, but I was pleased that I have a good eye for quality even if I can't achieve it yet.
And most importantly, he left me to my own devices at several times during the day. Which to me means that he trusted me to not fuck things up, and be resourceful enough to sort things out. That speaks volumes.
I had a good day.
I am at a stage in my design where I need to start making prototypes. I have sketchbooks full of ideas and all I need now is practice and some specialized help in the mould-making area. My first step is to get an internship with a shoe designer. I thought I had one, but I just got word that it fell through for reasons that had nothing to do with me. So now I am seeking both a shoe design internship with an independent designer, and someone interested in helping me prototype unusual heel shapes.
So why should anyone want to have me as an intern?
I'm a good designer. I push boundaries. But I can also reel myself back in and design very wearable things as well.
I am pretty damn good at pattern cutting and thinking in terms of functionality. When I was at Saint Martins the pattern cutting teacher was overwhelmed by the number of students in the class, so I was given half the class to teach. Turns out I was a better teacher than the teacher, and so a lot of students came to me for help on future projects. I'm not into the 1mm details (I'm not a tailor), but I do what I call "brute force pattern cutting"- I can make things do what I want, I just might not go about doing it the proper way.
I am very interested in using new or unusual materials. Things that "shouldn't" be used are most appealing. I'd love to team up with someone interested in playing with materiality and conceptual designs. My time at saint martins gave me a real appreciation for experimentation, even if I don't know a lot about it yet.
I have skills! I've worked in a lot of different mediums. I'm not specialized in anything yet, but that will come with time. I have worked with leather, fabrics, and latex quite a bit, but I'm interested in almost any other medium as well.
I am easy to work with, and I like working with others and collaborating. I am eager to learn all about shoe design and the business of being an independent designer in the field.
Some stuff I've made:
Woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Dragged myself to the coffee shop down the road hoping that a caffeine injection would enliven the brain a bit. It didn't.
But some good came of my miniscule effort to drag myself outside. Our local coffee shop is under a building full of artist studios and as a result the cafe owners are lovely arty people who know all the goings on above them.
As a regular who knows the entire staff by name, I found myself in a discussion about art and what I want to do with my life after I asked the owner if I could borrow this design magazine laying around the cafe with an article on rapid prototyping technology. He liked that I want to try my hand at a bit of everything right now, and said he might be able to help. Turns out a shoe designer just moved into the building above the cafe, and the cafe owners also know a fashion designer, a furniture designer, and all sorts of artists up there. He said he would love to connect me with those artists and set up a meeting so I could mingle and find myself some new internships.
I suggested they use their cafe as a meeting point for artists and designers in the area and they suddenly lit up saying, "we were JUST discussing doing that not ten minutes ago!" I offered to help organize that event, which they aim to make happen early November.
So I still feel icky and tired, but now there's a little light of hope that maybe I found a way to study under some designers, craftsmen, and artists so that I actually try my hand at all those things I dreamed about learning this year.
I find myself at home with a sudden head cold (no, it's not swine flu, for the last god damn time people!) and sitting in bed with little to do but drink tea and bemoan the fact that I'm not out celebrating right now.
So what do I have to celebrate, you ask?
Today my flatmate and I learned that our application for a flat in Hoxton was accepted! And not only that, but we both decided that we hated the student dorms so much that we opted to move out sooner than we originally planned. Instead of September 5th we are now moving in to our new place on August 10th. Yes, I am mere days away from a double bed, a bath tub, a real kitchen, and a living room. Can you believe it? I still don't. I am still skeptical, and sure that something will go wrong. It is too good to be true.
I've lived in a lot of different apartments, but I have always rented a room in someone else's flat. It didn't seem right to leave my stuff in the rest of the house, interrupting their routines and habits. But now? Now I can create my own living habits and my stuff can be anywhere! I can do logical things like make a place for my DVDs in the living room! I can leave my sketchbook and paints on the table without fear of being in someone's way. This is huge for me, you see. I finally get to occupy the space I have and make it my own.
Secondly, and in some ways more importantly, I would like to formally announce that I have decided to leave Central Saint Martins School of Shit and Bollocks.
This, I believe, warrants a drink. A toast, even. Raise your glasses if you will to the end of an era and beginning of another, far better one.
When I found out that Evil Tutor failed my latex project (despite telling me it was good all the way through the process) I made up my mind that I would not be returning to that awful sham they call a university, regardless of whether they wanted me to repeat 1st year or move on to 2nd year.
Words cannot describe how incredibly happy I am to be free of that place.
For the first time in years I feel inspired, eager to learn. Eager to make my own way, to go out into the world and absorb information. I want to do everything, create everything, experience everything. I feel free. I have no solid plan, just a good solid feel for the direction I want to head in. And that is liberating.
Of course I can't deny that CSM is a good name to have on your degree. Those three letters will open a lot of doors for a designer. Though, point of interest, I have come to realize that it will also close doors.
In making the decision to leave the school, I came across an interesting phenomenon in the design world. Being able to say "I graduated from St Martins" is great, but there is a certain respect I get when I say that I studied at St Martins only to realize that the reputation wasn't justified, and chose to leave. Funny, that.
In case I haven't made it painfully clear, this is not a school that will teach you anything, least of all actual, technical skills. Now I know that we all love the idea of simply drawing out a pretty sketch and handing it to someone else to make, but frankly that is bullshit. You need to follow through. True artists of any kind need to understand their materials, their craft, their process.... and often those things will inform and change their design. Half the stress/fun is in the process of trying to make one of your designs and seeing how it changes and becomes better.
The reason I got my internship with my awesome design mentor is not because I went to CSM, but because I studied at a technical fashion school and have a background in theatre and performance. I even said in my initial letter to her that "despite hailing from St Martins, I have not yet had my love for design or theatricality beaten out of me." She knew exactly what I meant.
My point is simply that there is something to be said for knowing how to make things. Any things. Whatever sort of things you want to make. And if you want to learn to make things, then St Martins is not the place to be.
So raise one more glass to the end of St Martins. And give Evil Tutor the finger for me, will you?
In the meantime I am looking into community college classes while I consider other universities. And should I decide to attend another uni, I have decided that the classes I take will not be in fashion.
I need a break.
But I also have a good solid foundation in fashion now, and it's time to start expanding outwards. In order to do this I am devoting four or five days a week to my internship to learn as much as possible from the designers I work for. And when I begin taking classes again, I want to learn to work with other materials so I can incorporate them into my designs- plastic, wood, metal, etc. I want to work in anything besides fabric and learn anything except fashion.
More shoe making and design courses are already queued up (more on that later), and from these classes I have also developed a rather subversive plan regarding my future shoe designs. See, a friend of mine at CSM asked if I was planning on continuing to learn how to make shoes, and if so, would I design and make the shoes for her final show at St Martins. I of course said yes! See, this way I get to have my final 3rd year show at St Martins by putting my shoes in the show, right under the nose of Evil Tutor and all those other fuckers who told me I was shit. BWAHAHAHAHA <---evil laughter and mustache stroking
Hell, if you've managed to read this far I think you deserve one more drink. Raise your glass one more time to the closing of a miserable year at an all-consuming, pretentious, and useless school, and the end of a year living in a moldy, tiny, uncomfortable dorm room.
Cheers.
Rereading my old posts this evening I have noticed a few things. First, I think it is safe to safe that I have had a really tough year. I wanted London to be an exciting adventure, and instead it has been an absolute trial. But the second thing I noticed is how I have changed so much since I moved here nine months ago.
In my reading I ran across this entry, entitled I Hope Nostalgia Makes This All Seem Better dated 18 November of last year. I talked about hoping that I would look back on that first term when I faced my fear of failing and think about it as a good ol' learning experience. Turns out that the learning experience I would look back on would be an entire year of consistent failing and fighting and picking myself up over and over again. I had no idea what was coming for me.
I had no idea that I would learn to accept failure and get over it quickly. I had no idea I was capable of being smacked down so many times and getting back up again. I had no idea what hard work really was in fact.
I had no idea that the hard work would not pay off. I had no idea that the school would be run by rule-enforcing monkeys who see in black and white. I had no idea that CSM would in fact turn out to be a fantastic school for students who already know exactly how to do what CSM wants. I had no idea that I would learn so much DESPITE CSM and not BECAUSE of it. The girl who wrote that entry would never have guesed that she would be so fed up with the bullshit at CSM that she would secretly be glad they were throwing here out so she could pursue other interests.
I had no idea that I would ever be able to get an internship. And NEVER would I have guessed that I would have the presence of mind to choose to stay in London and seek out opportunities instead of going back to the comfort of my boyfriend. The girl that wrote that on the 18th of November had no idea about anything.
And yet despite all of it, I still struggle with many of the same things I always have. The long distance relationship is still incredibly difficult for me. That has not gotten any easier- in fact it has gotten more difficult the longer I stay here. I still face the same hurdles when I get stressed out. I still struggle with feeling insignificant and untalented when faced with the talented people I study with. I am still prone to fits of utter hopelessness and despair when faced with an impossible situation, and I still find myself being unreasonably furious at The Boy when he isn't there to give me a hug and calm me down. I still find that although I am MUCH better at taking criticism, I do not have a sense of confidence within myself that will ever match the strength of complimentary words from others.
It if for all these reasons that I know I am not ready to leave Europe. I am not the person I want to be when I return home. I am far from it. But someday maybe I will get to look back on this year and find that nostalgia will allow me to see the value in the experience.
It wasn't a total waste.
I found another designer I'd like to work for. Do I write to her, knowing I already have an internship? Hmmm, it's probably not a good idea. But damn, her work is cool.
The Bad: Today I blew up at some of my friends for trying to help me in ways that weren't helpful. I felt so bad afterward, and made it all better. No hard feelings.
The Good: Designer Mentor girl asked me to style a photo shoot in her stead with one of my favorite photographers next month while she's away on business.
Well, it seems I now have one good thing going for me- I got a kickass internship with an up and coming designer. Yes you read that right! The girl who fails every project has been picked up by someone fabulous who will teach her the ropes.
First of all, let me say that this designer's work is amazing. You will probably hear of her in a few months if you haven't already. She is also connected with some INCREDIBLE designers, performers, and artists. These are the sort of people I want to work with. I feel so lucky that she wanted me to be a part of her work.
And she is going to teach me so much. I am already helping her make things for a few notable celebrities (I'll keep you posted). I am thrilled! I am dying to work with her again as soon as possible, even if my own work doesn't get as much of my attention as it should.
I feel much better working for someone of this caliber than someone like, say, McQueen. He is an amazing designer, but the word on the street is that he's an absolutely bitch to work for. And when you intern with a big name like that, you are a nobody. So with someone like the designer I met yesterday, I feel that she is someone who will go places and be huge, but right now she is still approachable. That is the right place for me to be.
So now, school can go to hell. I will work, but I can't be bothered to kill myself anymore. I have other, and possibly better options.
Take that CSM. I don't suck after all.
Right so apparently I managed to give the designer I want to intern with an incorrect phone number. The past two days I was in a state, sure that she took a look at my work and ran the other way, but in fact she had been trying to call me.
She just emailed me to ask if my phone had been turned off, and told me she'd like me to come in on Monday.
I spoke with her on the phone just now and we scheduled a time for me to come in and meet not only her, but the latex designer she shares a studio space with. Oddly enough, I found this latex designer on another website and she contacted me about modeling for her. Small world.
So on Monday, I'm going to hop on a bus and head up to a fashion studio in Bow and meet two fabulous designers and see about interning for one or both of them.
Could be worse. ;)
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