< / First Year at CSM >

Today was my final day of first year at Central St Martins.

I can hear music blasting from every floor of the student halls. Drunks are occupying on every corner. I must be the only person not out celebrating.

"Ceeeeeeelebrate good times, come on!"

I am in my very stuffy dorm room watching bad movies and fucking up my healthy diet by eating some ice cream. My flat mates are out. I have the whole place to myself. It's lonely and rather lovely. I should watch a scary movie....

"Are you still my sunshine?"

So you probably want to know how my last day went. Well.... hm. My crit was, um, uneventful and confusing. Evil Tutor was there and as per usual he gave me NO FEEDBACK. My crit was literally three minutes long. I have no idea what he thought, or what my grade will be. Big surprise, right?

Just as a point of interest, my best London friend presented immediately after I did... She walked up to the tutor as I took my model into the bathroom to de-latex her. About 5 minutes later my model, cleaned and dressed, walked back into the room to gather her stuff, and my friend was still discussing her work with Evil Tutor. I walked my model down to the ground floor and we hugged and said goodbye and I walked all the way back up to the room where we were presenting. All in all, I was out of the room for a total of about ten minutes and when I got back my friend was STILL getting in depth feedback from Evil Tutor.

See, this is how he operates. If he loves you or hates you, he gives you TONS of feedback. If he thinks you are a lost cause or doesn't understand your work at all, he more or less ignores you completely. I am always ignored. Always have been. And not because he doesn't understand, but I can tell that he feels I'm a lost cause.

Frankly, I don't give a damn anymore. Whether or not I get kicked out, I never have to deal with that useless little fucker again.

"What is love, baby don't hurt me...." (There is some asshole on the street singing along loudly and catcalling all the cute girls that walk by. He hasn't left which means no one has fallen for his line yet.)

Oh and another point of interest- I saw my grade for the denim project today. My lowest grade yet! 28. GO ME! *roll eyes*

I guess in the end it really doesn't matter because my dress was very well received by most of the class and my model looked fabulous in it. It's only the second latex garment I've ever made. It was a laborious and tiring way to do it, but it came out looking precisely like my drawing (except for a few fitting issues that I will go fix in a little while).

Observe, readers:

So, what do you think?


I would like to end this entry with some grand, eloquent words about what I have learned from CSM. But I have no words like that at my disposal at the moment. My brain power is limited to romcoms and chocolate this evening. So instead I end this, the last day of first year (and quite possibly my last day at CSM ever) with these wise, learned words of wisdomness:

Sleep is a wonderful thing. Good night.

Latexness

My latest project looks like what would have happened if Mondrian spit out some latex fashion instead of paint.

By the way, this is many layers on top of each other. It's not quite this busy, actually.

A Day in the Life

Today I am going to blow my budget on a few metres of latex which I will then cut apart into tiny bits, only to glue it back together with the help of my bored flat mates who I have guilt tripped into helping me. I've found that the not-only-are-you-all-done-with-school-already-but-you-all-complain-about-being-bored-all-the-time-so-who-wants-to-help-me-cut-expensive-things-into-tiny-shards approach works well.

I foresee a lot of coffee in my immediate future.

Looking Back

Rereading my old posts this evening I have noticed a few things. First, I think it is safe to safe that I have had a really tough year. I wanted London to be an exciting adventure, and instead it has been an absolute trial. But the second thing I noticed is how I have changed so much since I moved here nine months ago.

In my reading I ran across this entry, entitled I Hope Nostalgia Makes This All Seem Better dated 18 November of last year. I talked about hoping that I would look back on that first term when I faced my fear of failing and think about it as a good ol' learning experience. Turns out that the learning experience I would look back on would be an entire year of consistent failing and fighting and picking myself up over and over again. I had no idea what was coming for me.

I had no idea that I would learn to accept failure and get over it quickly. I had no idea I was capable of being smacked down so many times and getting back up again. I had no idea what hard work really was in fact.

I had no idea that the hard work would not pay off. I had no idea that the school would be run by rule-enforcing monkeys who see in black and white. I had no idea that CSM would in fact turn out to be a fantastic school for students who already know exactly how to do what CSM wants. I had no idea that I would learn so much DESPITE CSM and not BECAUSE of it. The girl who wrote that entry would never have guesed that she would be so fed up with the bullshit at CSM that she would secretly be glad they were throwing here out so she could pursue other interests.

I had no idea that I would ever be able to get an internship. And NEVER would I have guessed that I would have the presence of mind to choose to stay in London and seek out opportunities instead of going back to the comfort of my boyfriend. The girl that wrote that on the 18th of November had no idea about anything.

And yet despite all of it, I still struggle with many of the same things I always have. The long distance relationship is still incredibly difficult for me. That has not gotten any easier- in fact it has gotten more difficult the longer I stay here. I still face the same hurdles when I get stressed out. I still struggle with feeling insignificant and untalented when faced with the talented people I study with. I am still prone to fits of utter hopelessness and despair when faced with an impossible situation, and I still find myself being unreasonably furious at The Boy when he isn't there to give me a hug and calm me down. I still find that although I am MUCH better at taking criticism, I do not have a sense of confidence within myself that will ever match the strength of complimentary words from others.

It if for all these reasons that I know I am not ready to leave Europe. I am not the person I want to be when I return home. I am far from it. But someday maybe I will get to look back on this year and find that nostalgia will allow me to see the value in the experience.

It wasn't a total waste.

Dabbling

I have come to realize how stupid I would be to limit myself to only fashion. There are so many other things I want to do as well. Fabric is a limited medium and I want to expand my art beyond it. Though the term "dabble" has a sort of negative connotation, but that is exactly what I should be doing right now- dabbling in anything and everything, while specializing in nothing.

This is the time for me to try it all.

A day or two ago I went to a magazine launch where I met a really interesting man who set me thinking about diversifying my artistic view. He does a little bit of a lot of things. He is A Designer in the best sense. Meeting him reminded me that I really want to be the clothing equivalent of a Renaissance man. I want to do it all and bring all that knowledge back to my passion for style and the human form. Why on earth would I limit myself in this day and age of easily-accessible information?

This new found energy has inspired me to really delve into my new project at CSM. My Evil Tutor even noticed my excitement, and to my great surprise, I had the first encouraging tutorial I have ever experienced at CSM.

I cannot wait for school to be over in two weeks, so I can focus on expanding my horizons as An Artist and as A Designer.

Last Two Weeks

Our new project is about the future, and my new sketchbook is looking really different. Really good. I hope I can do something fabulous with it.

No word on grades of any kind from school.

And as soon as I get my portfolio back, I will take some picture for you. Looking back over my work as I created the portfolio I realize that although I am not up to the standard I would like to be, my work has improved in so many ways. Everything has changed since my first project. The way I draw has changed. The way I think has changed. The type of research I do has changed and my ability to research and expand an idea has dramatically improved.

Although my grades do not show it, I can see that I have become a stronger designer in this last year.

There is a very good chance this will be my last project at Central St Martins, so I want to go out with a bang. I cannot wait to get into this new project and work my ass off these next two weeks.

This project is different- this project I'm doing for me.

A Bit More Denim

A few of my favorite denim samples I did for the fateful Denim Project:

On Tutors, Bullshit, Mixed Messages, and Failure

Remember how the Dean told me I had to pass all my projects in order to even have a chance of moving on to 2nd year? Let me give you a few highlights from my project hand-in and final crit yesterday:

"You don't have any understanding of how to design, or create a sketchbook."


"You didn't do enough work, that much is clear."


Tutors: "If you were going to design a dress, I want to see all your research into dresses."
Me: "But that has nothing to do with my theme. And every time I've put that sort of research into a sketchbook, I have been told to take it out because it doesn't apply to my actual inspiration."
Tutors: "You misunderstood. If you're going to design something with pockets, I want to see that you have researched hundreds of pocket shapes. I mean look at this page. You looked into some pockets and sketched them. But your sketches aren't to the exact proportions that the photos are. Why didn't you take a moment and draw exactly what you saw?"


Tutors: "Your designs are too simple and boring."
Me: "I am sorry to argue with you, but the last time we met you told me that my design ideas were too experimental and that I needed to think about whether or not it could be sold in a shop. So I went VERY simple and focused on fabric design."
Tutors: "Yes, but now it doesn't make sense because your designs are too simple and mean nothing."
Me: "You understand why I am confused then, because my understanding was that you wanted me to stay very clean and simple even though I was working from a Dada collage artist. When I went experimental like I did here and here and here you told me no one would actually wear that."
Tutors: "Those three pages are just useless exercises in illustration, not actual designing."
Me: "I didn't think so. I was completely serious about making that into clothing until you told me not to."
Tutors: "Well, you obviously don't understand any of this then."


Tutors:" You don't have enough research or design development"
Me:" I'm confused. You told me that I had enough research and enough fabric samples to design last time we met. And the project requirements were 20 rough designs, and I did 75."
Tutors: "I told you that because you were too far behind to continue doing research. And your designs are, well.... you clearly have no understanding of how to develop an idea into designs."


Tutors: "So you did 75 design roughs. But did you really think about what each of these garments would be? I mean, look at this sketch here. Is it a tshirt? a dress? How do you get into it? What is it?"
Me: "Perhaps I misunderstood- I thought that the point of design development is to rough out ideas until you come upon something you like enough to develop further and finalize. At the time I was sketching that shirt, I was just thinking through an idea that I didn't end up using."
Tutors: "Yes, these are rough designs. But you're not answering the question your research poses by simply sketching out roughs. You need to think every detail through every time you design something. These sketches mean nothing."
Me: "So in future, when I design rough designs, I should leave them out of the sketchbook until they are finalized enough to be actual garments"
Tutors: "No, that's the point of a sketchbook, to show how to develop your ideas."
Me: ".....um??"


They proceeded to tell me in every which way that my work was awful and worthless and that I know nothing about art or design.

Ouch.

And so it ends. All I can do is phone it in for the next few weeks while I wait for the letter from the school that says I am no longer wanted as a student at CSM.

(Oh, here. I tried something new with my illustrations, since I was inspired by Dada collage artist Hannah Hoch. I should have been more rough, less lines, more color and media. But it was 4am and I was too tired to think and be creative...)

Ow.

Today I got a haircut, a pair of much-needed sandals, and a sewing needle through the tip of my finger.

I feel like an idiot. I've been sewing on industrial machines for four years and never had an accident. Now I've finally managed to sew through my finger with a simple home sewing machine. Well done, me. Well done.

And now, despite the impressive pain and surprising amount of blood loss from a single finger, I have to get back to work. I am so far behind it's scary!

At least I have nice hair again...

Denim

Current Project: Denim Design Project

Number of denim fabric dye/bleach/treatement etc samples: 15
Number of GOOD denim fabric samples: 4

Level of inspiration in regards to the project: -1

Some bleach tests, and my favorite sample so far: a print of a jeans pocket that I will then make pockets out of. Ceci n'est pas une poche.


This one isn't a sample so much as trying to recreate the color of the rusty 90 year old Levi overalls pictured as a comparison point to a more current look.



That's all for now. Nothing good to show you at the moment.

When I have a free moment I'll show you my Retrieval Project I handed in the other day. I actually liked parts of it.

I Feel Ya, Jack

Perhaps it is the bleach fumes pared with the unbearably stuffy dorm room that is leading my mind to wander, but I find myself staring at my new sketchbook and wondering if Jack the Ripper was perhaps a Central St Martins student driven to murder by piles of homework and lack of free time on beautiful sunny days like this one...

Retrieval

I just shuffled zombie-like to the school to hand in my retrieval project. Apparently they want us to come back at 3pm today to pick them up. Which means that they will probably flip through each one very quickly and grade it without a second look.

Scares me to think that my future at this school is dependent upon a 5 minute glance at my work...

So Bad, So Good

The Bad: Today I blew up at some of my friends for trying to help me in ways that weren't helpful. I felt so bad afterward, and made it all better. No hard feelings.

The Good: Designer Mentor girl asked me to style a photo shoot in her stead with one of my favorite photographers next month while she's away on business.

On Dealing With These Next Few Months

I have found a strange place of calm about my rather impossible situation with the school. I am realizing that no amount of work is going to save me at this point, and no one inside the school system is going to help me. I think it comes down to the fact that they don't actually want me to succeed.

There is something political and money-related going on behind the scenes at CSM. We are all aware of it, but of course no one in the school is going to talk about it. They let too many people in to our program, and then put someone who is the head of a much bigger program and hates what we do as the head tutor for first year. A lot of students in my program feel that we have been forgotten, like we're an afterthought. It should be noted that almost a third of the class is failing. CSM has also sold their amazing arty buildings and will be moving to a new complex in King's Cross area in two years. In this new building the fashion programs will lose almost 25% of their space (a bad move for a school that is known for its fashion, don't you think?). So it makes sense that any student who is a little behind on the learning curve is immediately being failed out. They are trying to slim down the student body. The won't admit to it of course, because accepting students into the school only to kick them out a year later isn't legal. There is something going on, but the administration is talking around it.

So I've come to a place of calm resignation. I can only do what I can do. I will do the projects to the best of my ability, but I have no plans on redoing everything in the portfolio. Evil Tutor will hate it no matter what I do so I might as well focus on the more important projects like the retrieval project and our current assignment. I figure I'm screwed either way so there's no harm in making sure I get lots of sleep and watch the occasional movie. I can't be bothered to push myself past a certain point. That is not to say I am not working very hard on my projects, but some of the feeling of panic is gone (for the time being), and resignation has taken its place.

I can't be bothered to work harder than I want to right now. I am well aware that the school wants me out, and unless a miracle occurs, no amount of work will change that. So I'm going to work today, watch some battlestar galactica before bed, and then go to my internship interview tomorrow and see if that doesn't help clarify my future some.

I've never been one to go about things the normal way, so maybe this is just another chance for me to carve my own path. Doing things your own way is never easy, and I will probably bitch and complain about it every step of the way, but maybe someday I'll look back and think, "wow, CSM was such a mistake. But it got me to move to Europe and it helped me think outside the box. And here I am with my own fashion line, and everything is going well."

Who knows, right?

The Dean, Where I Am, Fear, Stress, and Uncertainty.

The meeting with the dean didn't go badly, but it didn't go well. He suggested I meet with Evil Tutor and himself to discuss my workload and how to manage it. He sympathized with my situation, even told me about a similar situation he had with a tutor he had in grad school. But he said the rules tie his hands and prevent him from helping me. He did offer to look for a loophole in the rules, though. He's been very friendly to me, and I really appreciate his candor. I just wish he could do something more to help me.

I spent this weekend trying to work on my retrieval project. I get a new project assigned tomorrow. And I still have to redo all the work in my portfolio and redo the portfolio itself. By the end of the month. It isn't possible, and I am a wreck. I am falling apart in every way, every day. I really need someone to help support me right now. I just need the monstrous load of work and stress to lessen.

So I emailed the Dean again, and I've included the email below. Names have been changed for obvious reasons. It is a very familiar email, and I did that in part because I don't give a shit anymore, and in part because he responds very well to honesty about a situation. I tried playing it professional at first, and realized that he will mirror my approach to a situation. I only share this email because I feel it expresses where I am emotionally about the potential of being kicked out/asked to repeat first year/etc...

" Dear "Dean",

I have been considering your offer to meet with "Evil Tutor" (henceforth ET) and me to sort out my workload. Although I worry that he will take it personally and it might affect my grades even more, I think perhaps it is a good idea to talk to him about how to manage my pile of homework. I have nothing to lose, right?

I mean... all I want from CSM is for them to take my money and give me the chance to TRY and learn something. The tutors can tell me I'm shit, they can laugh at my work, they can tell me over and over that my work is awful. I truly, honestly do not mind as long as they tell me why. I just need the chance to do what the rest of the succeeding students are doing- work on one project at a time.

I will take that sketchbook course that is offered over the summer. I will take any extra courses over the summer that will help me improve. I will do extra work over the summer to make up for the retrieval projects, if the school will only let me spread out the work. I would even suffer a blow to my ego and grovel, beg to move on to 2nd year if it would help. I have met some of the 2nd and 3rd year tutors and I connect with their teaching styles much better than I do with "ET"'s. I could do this. But if I had to repeat 1st year with him again.... I can promise you I would not finish, even if I COULD afford to repeat. He and I, despite getting along in person, do not mesh well in the tutor-student situation.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you yet, but I have ADHD- attention deficit hyperactive disorder. Focusing, laying out timetables, understanding time, planning... these things are unusually hard for me to do. I usually take a medication for this, but the medication I am on is not available in the UK, and so I am operating at a huge deficit. And despite that fact I'm only 2 points short of passing. That is an achievement. I only mention this to make sure you know that I am not a slacker, nor do I expect an easy ride. I just need a little help from the university, and the opportunity to have the time to delve into one project at a time, try new things, really FOCUS on one concept. I can get this, I know I can.

I belong here. I belong at CSM. I am sure of that. Ask any of my classmates, even the ones who don't like me or my work. They will tell you the same thing. That may sound cocky, but it is also true.

All I ask is that CSM continue to take my money, continue to insult my work, and let me move onto 2nd year. I ask that they let me spread my work out a little bit. I stumbled early on in the year and I have never been able to catch up. I'm not asking a lot. I am not asking them to let me off the hook, just dull the hook a little. Give me some more time.

If you think that talking to "ET", or the head of the university, or anyone will help, please tell me what to do. I spent this whole weekend trying to work on the retrieval project sketchbook and I'm finding that I am failing in all the same ways I have before. I am so stressed out I can't find a new way to approach it, you know? I am trying to focus, but the looming monster of another set of double projects, plus the portfolio, plus the work IN the portfolio is really setting me up for failure. In case balancing all that for someone with ADHD wasn't difficult enough, the stress and fear of not being able to move on to 2nd year is making creative thinking nearly impossible for me. Any artist understands that, and I am sure you do too.

I know you cannot bend the rules for me. Who can?


Thank you for yet again reading another inappropriately familiar rant from me,
-"Redhead"


I feel utterly destroyed these days. I am so down on myself and my design abilities I can barely get out of bed in the morning, and barely sleep at night. I am making myself ill with stress and contained fury at feeling powerless over my situation. I don't know what I want anymore. Do I want to stay? Do I want to just drop out? If I dropped out could I forgive myself? I want to stay and give it one last go, but the amount of work I have to do is almost impossible, especially when I am this stressed out.

I am so lost and confused, and have never felt more alone in my life.

I just want someone to help me.

A Taste of What I Do

Here's a snapshot of my first round of research for one of my many projects. I'm sure I'll do about three times this much by the time I'm done with just the research aspect of the sketchbook.



Trying to go about research in a different way after speaking with the dean....

Whew, Ugh, Sigh, Mrrrh

Yesterday was yet another disappointing day in that I presented my last project to a rather lukewarm response from my tutors.

This project was supposed to be a fun, no-stress project. But any project is stressful when you're supposed to "try a bunch of different things" and you have very little money to do so. It's funny how much experimentation costs, really. Let's say you are going to try a screen print on 10 different types of fabric. Unless you have stores of fabric laying around in your house, you have to go out and purchase those 10 fabrics, and enough to try your print a few different times on each one.

Generally you would want to try several different kinds of chemical processes on each of those fabrics, so you buy certain binders, chemicals, and fun things like foil, flocking, etc etc. By the time this fun little project is over, you look back and realize you've managed to spend 75 GBP without even trying. Seeing as how I have 1pound in my bank account, experimenting of this nature wasn't really in the cards for me this time around, and I think I am going to get a low grade because of it. But I mooched off of friends and tried really hard to do the best I could.

In an annoyed and defeated moment, I threw all my work into my locker and left it there, so I have no photos to show you. But I will grab the stupid thing next week and share some of my work. For now, here's the cranky burnout velvet scarf I did. It was supposed to be far more complicated, but I had a lot of trouble with the burnout. it didn't quite burn correctly and so I spent hours scrubbing it, and it still looks rough in places. It has a vintage look to it in person though, so that's alright. I wanted to try a bunch of other things on top of the velvet burnout, but frankly I ran out of time and energy near the end. I also found that almost everything I did to it really made it look grandmotherly, instead of simple and austere. So I opted for minimalism this time around:



In other news, I was informed that some of my work was being poorly imitated by some others. Which is flattering, and doesn't really bother me. But it was cute to see some of my friends get up in arms about it on my behalf. :)

I am just glad that this term is more or less over. I am so in need of a break.

My friend and I were discussing what CSM really stands for, if not Central St Martins. I've decided that it is either Catering to Sleep-deprived Masochists, or Confusing Students More.

The strange thing is that although I am physically exhausted, I am dying to get back into the print room and play with techniques more. I want to make things. Despite my anger at the school and Evil Tutor Man, I am still dying to make things. I think that's a good sign.

Well Fuck You Too!

You are looking at the oh-so-proud recipient of yet another failing grade.

Unsurprisingly, this grade was given by the same tutor who failed me the last term. Hm, and I got almost exactly the same grade. In fact, almost everyone who failed that last project also failed this one. Makes one wonder. Are we all really not improving at all? Or is there a bias of some kind at work here?

This was a huge let down. I didn't think my project was fabulous, but I don't think I deserved to fail. My team mate passed, and she is FURIOUS at the tutor on my behalf. But I am just feeling defeated.

I tried to not let this news get to me. Thirteen people failed again, and there were some tears and slamming of lockers. But I just silently scrubbed at my fabric and tried to think of other things. I was feeling alright about it for a few hours when my fabric decided to misbehave. It didn't help that this current assignment (which is due tomorrow morning) had some sort of unknown chemical reaction and didn't actually do what it was supposed to do. The print looks a bit shit and I am very annoyed. Not only that, but the entirety of the project has had to be changed because I ran out of time and money. I have a very bad feeling about my project now. I expect I will fail this one as well.

If I fail two projects there is a very good chance I will have to do ANOTHER retrieval project. And I absolutely cannot do that again. I cannot. And I will not. It killed me this term. I am physically wrecked and emotionally worn down to a very thin strip of something that once passed for sanity. The retrieval project is a large part of the reason I did so poorly on the project I just failed.

So if they send me a retrieval project over this holiday, I will do one of two things. I will repeal it, and then not do the stupid thing, instead handing in a letter explaining why I chose not to do it. OR, I will do the project on porn.

Yes, I will do my retrieval project on hardcore porn, just to give them a big ol' FUCK YOU. I'm talking spread pink, big hard cock, cum dripping down her asshole porn. And not only will I do it on porn, I will print a photograph of a giant spread pussy down the front of the dress, and fill my sketchbook with images of sex and all the mess that goes along with it. I will make it the filthiest thing they've ever seen, but I will make it really beautifully and do everything the way they like it done. If they don't like it when I try to make beautiful things, perhaps they should see what it's like when I try to make ugly things...

So fuck you CSM and fuck you Tutor-That-Hates-Me. If you want to fuck with me, I will fuck with you back. Just TRY and throw me out, you bastards. Try. No, really. I dare you.

Three Projects Down, One to go....

Photos of the hair project will be forthcoming. We have to organize our model and I need to repair a few things on my piece. It was a depressing FAIL in my mind because it didn't come together the way I wanted. But my partner and I got on well, want to work together again, and we both felt that our overall concept was strong, so I am cautiously optimistic about our marks... (they seem to be taking longer and longer to get them back to us these days.)

No word still on the grades for our Congratulations-You-Failed project. Very nervous about that one.

I'm currently working on my fourth project this term- an accessory. I've decided to keep the design of this piece very simple so I can focus on experimenting with print techniques. I designed and made my screen today and I will start experimenting with various dying/printing/chemical treatments like devore, discharge, flocking, and good ol' screen printing.

The picture below is part of one of the three prints I am going to use on the project. All the black feathery bits will be burned out and transparent, while the white will be solid. Underneath this print will be another smaller geometric print full of color and texture that will be visible through the burned out black sections.

The wing is about 55cm long, and it will be repeated on the fabric a few times. Let's hope this time I plan my time better, work harder, and choose a more realistic end goal so I can actually complete this project with a feeling akin to mild accomplishment.

I can't wait for break.
Counting.
The.
Days.

He Came, He Saw, He Went Home. Or: I Am Ready For A Break

The Boy came to visit me for a weekend. It was all the time he could spare, and his timing was excellent, since this was the first weekend I've had free since... well.... god, since this term began. (Point of interest: I looked back and realized that except for an occasional evening where I was too exhausted to work anymore, I have not had a day off from my rather extreme homework situation since early February.)

So The Boy came to visit.

And it was good.

I haven't seen him in such a long time, and we have had some extreme highs and extreme lows in the last six weeks that we needed to deal with in person. I've processed every emotion I can possible think of in that time, from contemplating marriage to contemplating murder. But he is not moldering in a ditch somewhere, and there is no hideous square cut monstrosity on my left hand, so we worked things out in a satisfactory manner it seems.

Mostly we spent our two and a half days talking those problems through, wandering around London hand in hand, snuggling on my TINY bed and in dark bars, and having incredible sex at every opportunity.

But now he is on a big jet plane heading back to San Francisco, and I am unsuccessfully willing this cup of coffee to inspire my new design project.

I have purchased my tickets to go home over my break. But instead of spending my entire vacation in SF, The Boy and I are going to fly back to London together for a week of fun before I start classes again. I think it will be a nice transition from vacation in SF to vacation in London, with my favorite person at my side.

In other news, school has been hellish. I nearly broke down into tears twice in two days last week. And if you know me at all you know that it takes a LOT of stress and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness before I get that close to crying in public. I get angry, I get sardonic, I get mean, I get furious... But to feel so powerless and scared that I could barely hold back tears? That's impressive.

I cannot stress how ready I am for this term to be over. Over over over. And then some Over with a side order of Completed garnished with a sprinkling of Done.