I Can't Shelf the Issue (har dee har)

It is safe to say I am obsessed with finding a way to get some drawers and storage into this dorm room. I tried to reorganize my stuff last night (I don't even have that much stuff here) and it was an exercise in frustration more than anything else.

A trip to IKEA is in order. I've taken measurements, I know what I'm looking for. I just need to go and buy a few things. I need to stop obsessing and solve the problem. I will feel much better when I have a place to put my socks that isn't the same drawer as my paint supplies and computer accessories.

Also, I saw this on A Softer World and it seemed appropriate to my last post. It made me smile.

My Little Pity Party

Self pity is an ugly thing. But it seems I need to indulge in it this evening.

It's Friday night and I am without friends, a boyfriend, or friendly acquaintance to go out with. Going out on my own is far too scary right now because I feel like it's either a recipe for lonely disaster, or a chance to have to deal with men who are trying to pick me up.

That sounds egotistical, but it's not. It's just that being a girl out at night on her own sends out the single girl signal. And while I may be living alone, I am not single. Honestly I don't know how to deal with people approaching me when my long distance relationship is so difficult for me right now. Until I feel comfortable with my love life as it stands, I don't feel good about putting myself out there as "unavailable, but always here by myself, and hi it's nice to meet you".

The other side of this problem is that I think I'm giving off a desperate vibe. I have never before been so goddamn fucking lonely in my entire life. I see people on their cellphones talking to friends to kill time between trains and it makes me so jealous. I have always had people to text or call when I'm out and about. I've had friends that I could rely upon to invite me out every weekend (even though I almost never went) and friends that would almost always wander around thrift stores and cafes with me. And now I can't even figure out how to socialize with people, much less make a friend who I can call to chat with when I'm bored.

Thing is, I have toned my shtick down to the point that I have almost nothing to say because I'm trying to gauge what I CAN say around people here. I am treading carefully. Maybe too carefully. But I am not comfortable here. I feel surprisingly foreign in some ways.

I just want a friend who gets it. I want one person who I can have a drink with, who is going through similar things. I want someone who calls me when they need an ear, or have some free time. I want a friend. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

Let me say that I do love being alone. I really do. But I'm had enough of it for right now. It's Friday night and everyone I know is busy or hanging out with their real friends, and didn't catch my subtle hints about looking for something fun to do tonight. And I am afraid to go out on my own and run into situations that I don't know how to handle. I feel so pathetic. I should be out in London doing new exciting things and meeting new exciting people in new exciting places. And instead I am spending another night at my computer, indulging in a little pity party for myself.

I want to be the kind of person that can have a great time on her own. But I am not there yet. I am too confused, too desperate, and too broke to go out and navigate brand new social waters alone. When I feel this stressed it's hard to find the social balance necessary to be fabulous yet approachable, fun but not flirty, interesting but not showy, and clear about what I want and what my boundaries are.

So instead I will slouch in the chair at my desk while moping about how I have no friends, and generally feel sorry for myself for the rest of the evening...

Food

One of my room mates took pity on me as I microwaved a potato for dinner and made me some bacon and chicken on cheese bread to go with it. Healthy? No. Delicious? Yes. Add a few slices of ripe tomato and I was in food heaven.

However good bacon tastes on a normal day, I can promise you it tastes INCREDIBLE when you haven't eaten real protein in three days.

NOM NOM NOM.


I can't believe we're half way through October. I have almost been here one month. It feels longer. And shorter. And I guess about right, too. Before I know it I will be too busy to think, and then it will be our Christmas break, and I'll be flying back to San Francisco for almost three weeks.

My life is definitely not boring.

Hungry!

I am once again faced with the question of buying paints and supplies for tomorrow's class, or shopping for food. I think I'm opting for paint...

Everyone loves a starving artist, right?

Ew

On my walk home I noticed a parked ambulance across the street, medical personnel hanging out calmly at the back of the vehicle. As I wondered what was going on, I happened to look down at my feet on the sidewalk. I wasn't sure at first what I was looking at, but once it dawned on me I made a point of walking through rain puddles the rest of the way home. See, when I looked down I noticed I was standing in one of many small puddles of human blood left out on the sidewalk. No caution tape, no sign, nothing to alert me that I was about to saunter on through what I'm guessing was a minor crime scene. No notice, just very dark blood pooling in the cracks of the brickwork.

I've never been so glad to walk through dirty rainwater puddles in my whole life.

Art Begins and Inspiration

As of tomorrow I will FINALLY begin an artistic project at CSM. I've felt so bored with my courses until now. I haven't been able to get excited by any of our projects. But now we finally get to begin our first fashion oriented project!

For the next three days we will be doing life drawing from a model(my favorite!) to bring about ideas that will eventually become our first printed design on fabric. And in two weeks, we begin our all white garment design project that results in a fashion show at the end of term. WOOT!

I went out and bought some art supplies just now (I opted for supplies instead of food today. Funny that I am finally in a position where I need to make that decision.) Yesterday I researched some incredible books in our library that have helped me get an idea of the sorts of designs I like on fabric. I also visited some vintage shops over the weekend in an attempt to to train my eye to ONLY look at prints.

I rarely wear prints or patterns so it's been an interesting switch in my aesthetic being in the Fashion and Print program. I LOVE prints, but I've never felt comfortable wearing them... until now. I just made the decision to focus on prints and figure out what I like. So with all this new visual information in my head, I plan to go to class tomorrow and explore all sorts of ideas on paper.

My Amazon.com wishlist now consists of a waffle iron, a frying pan, and these fantastic fashion and print books that inspire me. Take a look if you have any interest in print or fashion design:

Structure and Surface: Contemporary Japanese Textile Design- I LOVE this book. It gave me so many ideas.
Fashioning Fabrics- Again, very cool ideas.
Pattern- Tricial Guild's style is one facet of pattern that I really enjoy- graphic, colorful, ridiculously drag queeny, and ostentacious.
Print in Fashion- I really want this book because it gave me a nice sort of introduction to the idea of pattern in fashion. Which seems silly, but it eased me into the idea.
Adorned in Dreams- I really want to read this book on Fashion Theory. I think the role of fashion in a modern world is fascinating. I'm roughing out an essay on the topic to share with you all sometime soon.

Go forth, look at pretty books and be inspired like I was!

A Little Lie.... A Little Help, Please?

As the words came out of my mouth I believed them for a moment. "I hate it here," I said quietly before punching the letters into a chat window and hitting Enter.

I don't hate it here. And I am not homesick. But something is making me feel awful right now. I cannot focus. My apathetic attitude is worrying. I just want to float free and ignore life.

The funny thing is, I really don't want to move back to San Francisco. I love London, despite the weather, despite being broke, despite not knowing where I am, or where to go, or how to get there. I love this city and it feels like I was supposed to be here.

But at the same time I feel so lost. Something is missing, or something is wrong. And I don't know what it is, but it's making me toss and turn all night, and walk around feeling drugged all day. It's making me feel like I'm wound too tightly and might explode, yet I can't make myself care about anything all that much. I am hesitant about being too brave. I am excited by feeling terrified. I am miserable and broke and not sure how I'm going to buy groceries and drawing paper tomorrow, but I'm happy and looking forward to classes. I am lonely and desperate for companionship, but happy to be spending so much time in my own head.

I am incredibly confused. How is it possible to be so unhappy and so happy at the same time? How can I love living in London and hate my life here at the same time? What is it that I want and how do I fix whatever it is that is making me so panicked and sad?

What is going on and what the fuck do I do?

It's Not Getting Any Easier

It seems I fall to pieces every time I talk to my boyfriend. I cannot fathom staying here for three years without him, and the situation seems so hopeless that my chest tightens and I feel I can't breathe. It's pathetic, honestly.

I am going through withdrawal from him. And I don't know what is on the other side of the withdrawal. I think I am making myself feel worse in order to ensure that I don't ever feel okay without him, because I'm scared of what that may mean. I think I'd rather need him and be miserable than feel confident on my own and risk feeling disconnected from him. See, I am beginning to wonder if I'm worried that getting over missing him will mean that I am actually getting over him.

I knew that doing a long distance relationship was going to be hard on me, but I had no idea that I would feel such an intensely emotional duality about it. On one hand I am completely fine on my own. I have moments when I am lonely or miss my old friends, but I am also incredibly excited to meet new people and have so much time on my own.

But on the other hand I am a nervous wreck at the same time. I feel both completely fine and utterly panicked. I keep finding myself rushing home immediately after class in hopes that my boyfriend will be awake and online, even if I have nothing in particular to tell him. I am so desperate to feel close to him that I sometimes lose sight of why I am here- for an education at one of the top design schools in the world. And in order to get that education, I need to be incredibly focused on what is going on here, now, with me. And not on him, no matter how much I love him.

So how do I stay connected to someone that is thousands of miles away, while also being independent enough to focus on my own life? How do I maintain a relationship when I cannot reasonably expect my partner to be there with me, or be around when I need him? And how can I find a way to get over my fears, and disconnect from the relationship just enough to allow my focus to be where it should, while staying connected to a man I love?

How the hell do I balance all of this and not drive myself utterly insane in the process?