As the words came out of my mouth I believed them for a moment. "I hate it here," I said quietly before punching the letters into a chat window and hitting Enter.
I don't hate it here. And I am not homesick. But something is making me feel awful right now. I cannot focus. My apathetic attitude is worrying. I just want to float free and ignore life.
The funny thing is, I really don't want to move back to San Francisco. I love London, despite the weather, despite being broke, despite not knowing where I am, or where to go, or how to get there. I love this city and it feels like I was supposed to be here.
But at the same time I feel so lost. Something is missing, or something is wrong. And I don't know what it is, but it's making me toss and turn all night, and walk around feeling drugged all day. It's making me feel like I'm wound too tightly and might explode, yet I can't make myself care about anything all that much. I am hesitant about being too brave. I am excited by feeling terrified. I am miserable and broke and not sure how I'm going to buy groceries and drawing paper tomorrow, but I'm happy and looking forward to classes. I am lonely and desperate for companionship, but happy to be spending so much time in my own head.
I am incredibly confused. How is it possible to be so unhappy and so happy at the same time? How can I love living in London and hate my life here at the same time? What is it that I want and how do I fix whatever it is that is making me so panicked and sad?
What is going on and what the fuck do I do?
13 October, 2008
A Little Lie.... A Little Help, Please?
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3 comments:
Hi. My name is James, I'm 21 & in my third year of uni (@ Bath Spa, UK). I've been coming back to your blog every few days or so for a few weeks now and thinking about leaving you a comment like this. Early this year I went through a pretty damn traumatic experience while at university and it nearly ended me. I spent a long time by myself over summer and appear to have found myself a happy medium to rest in until I'm ready to confront what went on.
I'm rambling, sorry. Before this happened and especially since I've been trying to help people who are having trouble settling at university. If you ever want some unbiased advice or some support please feel free to drop me an email me at applemacs@gmail.com or 105905@bathspa.ac.uk
Don't rush yourself too much, London is big and it's easy to lose yourself in its mass because it's so foreign to most people when they first get here but you just have to wait and see which bits of it become home. Places I love are Maison Bertaux in Soho and the Hill Garden on Hampstead Heath! http://www.quirkytravel.com/joomla/london/architecture/hill-garden-and-pergola.html
By the way I found your blog because you mentioned Adorned in Dreams, it's such a lovely book, I totally recommend that you read it!
Thank you to both of you.
I really appreciate the support you are both offering.
And I am definitely going to visit the places you suggested, Nina. Thank you :)
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