12 May, 2010

My Sandbox. Or, Sex Party Etiquette for the Socially Ham-Handed.

Speaking as someone who organises sex parties, I find it very important to have clear boundaries and rules about behavior at these events. That is not to say we are restrictive about personal interaction, but a certain level of mutual respect is required of our members.

Despite what some may think, a good sex party is not a free-for-all faceless orgy full of naked girls ready to take a cock in any which way it becomes available. (Of course some parties ARE like that, and trust me there is definitely a time and place for that sort of mindless fucking. ) Kinky Salon London is not that place. We aim to develop a group of like-minded pervs and sluts of every orientation and gender who chat, drink, fuck, and dance around in silly costumes. I hate using the word "community" because it sounds a bit too hippy, but I guess it's the most appropriate word for what Kinky Salon is. It's a community of sluts with taste and tact and charm.

In a sexual environment, etiquette and mutual respect become VERY important. While being direct is encouraged, it seems that many people don't know how to be direct while still showing respect for the other person in the exchange. 

I got a lot of shit today for saying that I find it offensive when someone approaches me (even at a sex party) and says, "you're hot, let's fuck." Now, some people said that the offer was made by someone being direct about what he wanted in an environment where sex is encouraged. That is true. However, the thing about a "you're hot, let's fuck" statement is that it completely disregards me and my wants. By approaching me with that line, you are telling me that I fulfill your requirements for sexual attractiveness, and that my own requirements should only be that I am hot enough to fulfill yours. A line like "you're hot, let's fuck" completely disregards the importance of chemistry and mutual attraction. And on top of that, it's just plain insulting. There are a million other ways to be direct about being interested in someone without also reducing them down to a pair of tits. (And while objectifying people in a sexual situation is sexy or fun, you NEVER open a conversation by doing it.)  My point is simply that saying, "you fill my required hotness factor, now let's fuck" is disrespectful and unacceptable, even at a sex party.

Even in the world of kink and sex, basic etiquette applies. If you want to play in the sandbox, learn the damn rules. 

1 comment:

K. said...

"...it seems that many people don't know how to be direct while still showing respect for the other person in the exchange."

The issue with many (single) men in a scene (any scene, not just sex parties) is the lack of recognition that it's an *exchange*... that there are two parties involved. So many men think of it ballistically: it's a one-way vector of interest that they're pushing at you. They've taken aim on you and pulled the trigger, so that's that, right?

I used to run into this in the drag / trans scene a lot... in person and often over IM. A guy walks up to you and proceeds to tell you how THEY FEEL about you, what THEIR OPINIONS are and hardly ever take an interest in whatever it is you may be thinking. And like you said, they think their valuation of you is enough to seal the deal.

It's the difference between having someone previously acquainted with hold open a door in gentlemanly invitation and someone unknown just walking into your space expecting welcome just for choosing to walk into your space.

I was listening to a Savage Love podcast where a topic like this came up, and it was down to filtering: the guys you want to hit on you are the ones that have filters on this kind of aggressive, narcissistic behaviour, but it's the ones without said filters that often do the hitting-on, which is why so many women (rightfully) have their guard up, and why sex party spaces need to enforce etiquette guidelines (often to the point of simply excluding all single men, even the non-creeps).

Anyway. Hope you gave whoever gave you shit some wisdom about this, on the end of a stick. *whapwhap