On Moving, and the Start of My 23rd Year...

I am almost moved out of my San Francisco apartment. September 1st will mark the beginning of my time surfing couches, and living out of the leather bag I carried with me to London the first time I went. (Hopefully I can skip most of the couches and stay at my boyfriend's place most of the time.)

Packing to move abroad is quite an experience. I've moved many times before, but never like this. I'm getting rid of most of my furniture and a large amount of my belongings. It's freeing to find yourself needing only the things in one or two boxes. I packed a box of books I want to take with me, as well as a box of my knick-knacks and whatnot that have special meaning to me. Other than that, I'm taking only clothes, some of my DVDs, and my sewing machine and computer. And that's it.

Today my room mates gave me a going away gift- they found an adorable change purse (which I will need for all those 1 and 2 pound coins in the UK) and filled it with pound coins they got exchanged for me. "To make sure you start your stay there with a little food and fun money," they said. I will miss my room mates. They are incredibly sweet guys.

I can't believe how fast time is going. September 19th is so close it's disgusting. And yet I'm surprisingly sane through all of this. Perhaps I'm simply in an advanced stage of denial, or maybe I'm finally coming to accept that I've made this decision and I have to see it through. And maybe I'm a little bit excited to start my life over. I think I am still a little sad too- I don't eat much and I can't sleep. But generally, I am okay (albeit a little thinner than usual).

Oh! I turn 23 next Tuesday. I've been so busy with the practical tasks I've had to take care of as I move that my birthday kind of snuck up on me. 23.... That was my dad's lucky number. It has a certain magnetic quality to it. I always knew that my 23rd year was going to be interesting in some way. Who knew, huh? Happy almost birthday to me!

As I am prepping to move, more and more people are talking to me about it. And it seems that everyone has a friend who's in London or in fashion design. I've had so many offers from friends of friends to show me around, or introduce me to other designers. It is very comforting to know that there are friendly people on that side of the pond, eager to meet me. I hope I become enough of a talented designer to make the most of all these new contacts.

The toughest thing I've been dealing with during this whole process is my relationship. Many an evening has been spent with my boy, talking about our future. It hasn't been easy on either of us. But my boyfriend and I have decided to give a long distance relationship a try for the first quarter. I am a little nervous about how well I'll deal with the separation, but I am willing to try it for him. He's been really great through all of my meltdowns, and indecisive drama. Not many guys would stick around through my emotional storms. It reminded me how amazing he is, and I decided to give this whole long distance thing a try.

And now I should return to my regularly scheduled "Throw Everything I Own Into A Box" programming....

Classes

Ok, school update: I found out that I am taking four classes my first quarter. I will find out what they are in a day or two, but I do know that I get to take a jewelery design course! I am thrilled! I wanted to take jewelery design at my last two art schools, but because I had declared a major they wouldn't let me. I'm EXCITED! I have an unbelievable desire to learn how to cast things in metal, and to design laser-cut metal pieces to incorporate into my fashion designs!

Ladytron!

How cool/weird is it that I just bought a ticket to see Ladytron in London? Well, I didn't buy it. I had to have my friend buy it for me 'cause he's in London, thusly ensuring the ticket won't have to be mailed to me here in SF and then probably get lost in the move. But still... I bought a ticket to a show in London!

Oh and that reminds me- I've made a friend in London. And through him, I am sure I will meet other cool people. It's a great relief to know that there is a hug and a drink waiting for me there.

But anyhow, woohoo! Ladytron! If nothing else makes my moving official (you know, besides the school acceptance, plane ticket, and housing in place), a ticket to a show means I'm really going to be there!

Scholarship

The magical scholarship is a no-go. I got word that I was not selected a few days ago. The disappointment was slight because I realized that I didn't expect to get it. We had too many issues in the application process for it to go over smoothly.

The hunt for new scholarships begins now...

It Is Now Official...

I bought my ticket to London today.

It's a shitty flight with a layover, at an awkward time of day. But that's not really what's bothering me...

I mean, I just bought a one-way ticket to another country.

Holy shit.

London Process Update

"This might be the beginning of a funny story," I told my mom on the phone the day I received my acceptance letter from London. "See, I got my letter today.... and they put me in the wrong school."
"The wrong school?!"
"Yep."
Turns out, it wasn't funny at all. Just a little messy. Hopefully it will all be sorted in a few days and I will be sent my new and improved letter of acceptance from CSM.

In the meantime, I am trying to pick out my hall of residence. I've narrowed it down to five possibilities, all of which are out of my price range, and three of which are kinda far away from my school. I think. I'm not sure which branch of CSM I'll be in. Getting information is hard, and I wish I had a contact at the school outside of my admissions advisor who I don't like to bother (she is very kind, but very busy).

Looking over these very basic descriptions of houses, I keep coming back to the scholarship I'm waiting on. I will not know if I got it until April, and I'm trying to not get my hopes up. But it would make this whole housing thing easier because it would pay for my entire tuition. But I need to make housing decisions before then, ideally. It's a little complicated.

And lately, I've been feeling a little sad about moving again. I keep remembering this one day I had in London. It was a little gray out, and I was wandering around picadilly circus area. I was lost (no one's discovered the miracle of clearly labeled street signs in London) and starved. I sat down in a little cafe and ordered a sandwich. I had on five layers and a heavy coat, but the cafe was hot and I was taking off layers as fast as I could when my tasteless sandwich arrived. I stared out of the muggy cafe onto a street full of people. The tables surrounding me were occupied by friends having coffee and an occasional couple. I was the only person there alone, hunched over my food, staring out the window. I became very aware just then of how lonely I felt, spending all my time alone. I was seeing amazing things and having a good time, but I had no one to talk to about it. Getting lost alone is kinda nerve-wracking, but getting lost with someone else is funny. Seeing beautiful things alone made my heart sink into my stomach. I am not as much of a loner as I think I am.

Granted, things would be different if I had a home base within the city. Having nowhere to go that I could just be happily alone made that moment in the cafe much sadder for me. But I worry that London will not feel like home for a while. My little dorm room will not be a home for a while either, in the way I mean. It took me a couple of years and three different apartments before I felt like San Francisco was my home, even though I'd spent a lot of time here, and I had friends, family, and a life already built around the city.

I have a good support structure here, with a few very close friends I can come to when I need some comfort. But there, I will be starting life over, alone, without my support. Yes I can call them, or email them, but not in the same casual manner I can now. I will not have my crazy family nearby, my boyfriend, my friends, my stuff. My habits will have to change, my expectations, my fears of appearing foolish (because I will, a lot)... I will have to go through everything alone, for the first time. It makes my stomach hurt, thinking about it. I wish I could just take one person with me, to share the city with. I wish I could transport aspects of my life over to London. Just stick my best friend and my favorite cafe in a handbag and get on the plane. I'd feel much happier.

Speaking of the plane, I've been trying to decide how to deal with that. Who will drop me off at the airport on the day I leave? Who will wave goodbye and make me cry the least? Or should I just go alone and get it over with? I dread that day. Arrival in London, a few weeks in, school starting.... these are all things I'm terribly nervous about, but I dread the day I have to fly out from SFO. I tear up just thinking about it.

I haven't slept well in two weeks because I'm worried about the move. I'm worried about the loneliness, really. Giving up half of my stuff is not a problem. Starting life in a new city is exciting. Going to CSM is terrifying and exciting. But doing it all by myself, thousands of miles away from everyone and everything I know and love is tainting the situation for me. I am not looking forward to it at all, right now.

My friends are all so proud of me. They like to show me off, and tell people how I got into the greatest school ever. They like to parade me around a little. I put on a decent show, but it kinda irks me. I'm touched that everyone else is happy for me, but they aren't the ones who have to actually do all the hard parts. They get to stay where they are, safe and warm, and smile at the idea of studying abroad. It's a romantic notion. It's a scary reality. Their lives will be the same, minus me. And for many of them, that will not be a huge difference, just an occasional Me-shaped emptiness that passes by them. I'm the one that will be going through one of the most difficult school programs in the world (which I am not ready for, in my opinion), alone and kind of lost.

I will make new friends. I talk easily. I will find new favorite cafes and bars. I will get to know the transit lines, and the cheapest food stores, and the ways in which British culture will accept my strange quirks. I will come to understand social expectations, and cultural taboos, and ways to walk the edges of sub cultures, the way I do here. I know boundaries here, and I know when I cross them, or what sort of statement I make, and confusion I cause with my appearance or my actions. Before I attempt to cross any lines and make my own place in the world, I need to learn where the lines are. We speak a similar language, but it is not the same. Our cultures are similar, but it is a different world. I AM moving to a FOREIGN country.

What it comes down to is that I am scared of being lonely. I do not trust my own judgement, or decisions. I worry I am making mistakes every step of the way until I get where I'm going. I am a harsh, harsh self-critic, and it takes other's presence for me to allow myself the freedom to fuck up. I used to think I was a loner, but I realize now that I need people around me to feel safe. I like my own, quiet time, but to have it forced upon me....

I am just scared.

Goodbye, Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom, and realized for the first time that I will really truly miss her when I leave. We have had our differences, but she is my mom, and she loves me unconditionally. She is really happy for me, and very proud of me, and even a little jealous, but by next fall, she will be half way around the world, eight hours apart, and living on a separate land mass from me.

I keep thinking about London as though my life, my favorite people, and my apartment will be transplanted there with only minor changes. It's slowly sinking in that I not only have eight months left with my boyfriend and my friends, but also with my family. And I realized that I will arrive in London alone, find my way to CSM alone, and sleep there alone in my little room while I try and create a new life for myself in a place where I know almost no one. And I know I will build a life there, but it will take time. And there will be things I will love, and things I will hate, just like here. I will find some people that I like, and some that I despise, and some that I will laugh at. But it will take time.

I suppose tonight is the first time I really understood that I will be starting over, and truly alone for the first time in my life.

Suddenly I realize how short eight months is....

29th

I finally have a date: Sept 29th. That is the day classes at Central St. M begin. My birthday is Sept 2, the dorms open Sept 14, and I will fly away to England sometime mid-month. It's approaching very quickly, all of a sudden.

Lately, I have been working ridiculously hard on an application for an amazing scholarship that would make the whole school-in-London thing much less of a financial hardship for myself and my family. I have submitted me application and I am now waiting on one last letter of recommendation from a teacher.... and then I just have to wait and see. I want this scholarship. Badly. I want it so much that I am having trouble focusing on anything else.

UK Yankee

I found this forum called UK Yankee the other day, geared specifically towards US expatriotes living in the UK.

I made the mistake of reading the thread about all the things people miss about the US now that they've moved. I felt a little sad for the rest of the day. But today I found a new 19 page thread about the things people love about their new lives in the UK.... and it made me feel a lot better about leaving.

I've bookmarked the Good Things thread, and read a few postings every day to remind myself that it will all be okay.

Excitement

Two or three weeks ago, I began noticing a tiny hint of happiness peeking through my otherwise abysmal outlook on life. It seemed the shock and sadness about moving to London began to lift, and these days I am not lying when I tell people I am excited to be going.

I am actually excited to be going.

During my last few days traveling about London, I stopped feeling like a tourist, and began allowing myself to pass by certain things I wanted to see. It felt like I already lived in the city, and I felt confident I would be able to see everything at another time. I was sure I'd move there and be happy. Lately I've been able to recall that sense, and remind myself that I was happy there. I was inspired there. I was fucking freezing there too, but that's nothing a few sweaters won't fix. I have gotten stuck in a rut here in San Francisco. I love this city, and I love my friends, but I am bored. And I need to do something differently for a while. One of my New Years resolutions was to shake things up, and have new experiences. I think I can safely say that 2008 will hold a lot of opportunities to do that....

A friend of mine here is moving to New York in a few months. We've been discussing how strange it is to buy a one-way ticket somewhere. Neither one of us has ever done it before, and something about it feels empowering and saddening at the same time. It's just so definite. So final. It means you've made a decision and will follow it through, alone. It's your next move and you've committed to it.

Right now, I'm in the midst of applying for a scholarship that would pay for one full year of my tuition at CSM, and maybe ever more. The deadline in Feb 1st, and I'm scrambling to get all the paperwork in. My current school has to recommend me, and they will do so if I get all my paperwork in to them in the next week or so. I'll be the first student from the San Francisco campus to be recommended for this scholarship. It sounds like an honor, but really it's just another way that my school ignores the SF campus in favor of the publicity-abound LA campus. Grr Hiss Boo.

I will keep you updated.