Early Hunting

For the past two days, despite all my homework and stress, I have suddenly become obsessed with apartment hunting. I'm toying with the idea of living alone. Might be too lonely, might be a nice change.

I could live by myself in San Francisco, no problem. But I worried for a while that living alone in London would just highlight how lonely this city can be. But I can safely say that sometimes I want to be lonely. I would love to come home to my own little place after a full day of working around other people.

But financially, that might not be in the cards. So for now, I'll keep myself busy dreaming and searching every rental agency website I can find.

A Taste of What I Do

Here's a snapshot of my first round of research for one of my many projects. I'm sure I'll do about three times this much by the time I'm done with just the research aspect of the sketchbook.



Trying to go about research in a different way after speaking with the dean....

I Fought the Law, and the Law Won... I think? Or wait, did I?

Well, the meeting with the dean did not go how I expected. In fact, he calmed me down. It took me by surprise that talking with him in his dimly lit office would make me feel so satisfied. He was the first person at the school who stopped to listen to me, and agreed that the policies were crazy. Though he knew of no way to work around the policies, or go about changing them in time for them to affect me.

When I addressed the massive number of students failing, he told me it wasn't uncommon at CSM (though I've heard otherwise from 3rd year students). When I discussed the need for in-depth feedback he explained how difficult it is to give feedback and concrete success criteria when each student is encouraged to find their own style. I told him I understood that, but that a tutor's job is to recognize each student's style and work with them to develop it. And that is when the whole meeting changed.... he asked if he could see my sketchbook.

In five minutes, the dean gave me more constructive, mind-blowing feedback than I have gotten from my tutors in the last six months. He told me what was good, he told me what was crap (he apologized and said, "not to be too blunt, but this drawing is utter crap. Why did you draw this when you can draw like this?" and pointed to another sketch.) He looked at my research and pointed out exactly what I've been missing, and suddenly it seemed so obvious. It made sense. He showed me what I was lacking and suggested I approach research and sketchbooks in a different way.

I was shocked. I was inspired. I felt like I could do these four projects and enjoy them. It was hard to hear him tear my work apart, but it was also incredible and inspiring. When he pointed out my shortcomings it was as if they were so grossly obvious I couldn't believe I'd never seen them before.

When he finished I said, "if any tutor had EVER given me that kind of feedback in the last two terms, I would not be sitting across from you now." He chuckled, and told me that he was going to speak with the Evil Tutor about this issue. I expressed my nervousness about him confronting Evil Tutor because I was worried that his ego would be bruised, resulting in anger directed towards me and my grades. The dean assured me that the issue of feedback is a larger issue, and it is something that needs to be addressed. He also said that if Evil Tutor gets at all uppity, that I am to meet with him again so he can have words with the tutor.

He advised me to do all my work while continuing with the appeal process, and that he would assist me with it. He also said that if I pass this Retrieval project and all the other projects this term, my chances of moving onto 2nd year are good.


I left his office feeling strangely accomplished , though in the end I guess nothing really changed. I found that the fight I was entering would be a round against the entire university, and almost assuredly one I would lose. I suppose I gave in to the five projects I have to do. But I also feel as though I have the dean on my side now. He is one of the people who decides who goes on to 2nd year. And now, despite my low grades, I am more than just numbers to him. I am a girl who voiced her concerns and who wanted more feedback, and the opportunity to do better. And when he speaks to the Evil Tutor, perhaps things will change. Perhaps I will get more feedback from now on. Perhaps not. If not, the dean told me I can come speak with him again.

Am I backing down? I don't feel like it. I just feel that my time would be better spent trying to put his feedback to good use, and improving my grades this term. If I don't fail any projects, then this whole "being kicked out" drama goes away, you see.

I didn't really get to enter the ring. I was fully prepared to start one hell of an epic fight with CSM. But the dean's attitude, his empathy for my situation, his honest feedback and critique of my work, and his offer to speak with the tutor satisfied me for now.

And now that I think about it, entering the ring was never the point. The point was to make my concerns heard, and ensure that I had the opportunity to improve and grow as a designer and student. Hopefully I got that. So maybe The Law didn't win.

Taking On the System

I haven't written for a while, and it's because I've been gearing up for a fight with CSM.

When The Boy and I arrived at my place in London, I found two letters from CSM at my door. I'd been dreading them; I'd been hoping they wouldn't come. One letter said, "you failed last term and have to do ANOTHER retrieval project." The other said, "you failed your last retrieval project and therefor your position at this school is up for review."

In short, over ten of my classmates and I are in danger of being kicked out or held back. Ten out of 36 students is a ridiculously high number of positions to review, wouldn't you say? Although one or two people really do need an ass-kicking to get themselves in gear, it is my opinion that the rest of us have been unfairly threatened.

I currently have an appeal in to the school board to say that I should not have failed the last term and would like to be reviewed again. I also have a meeting with the dean of fashion tomorrow afternoon, during which I will not only request that my unfair retrieval project be revoked, but that from now on my classmates and I need concrete feedback and more attention from our tutors.

If over ten people are failing miserably, then CLEARLY something isn't right. If one or two people were failing, then it's probably their own fault. If a third of the class is failing, something else is going on.

It has been my complaint from the beginning that the tutors don't give me guidance or help of any kind. I know that they are not supposed to "teach us" per say, but that does not excuse the fact that I have been unable to get a straightforward answer from any tutor about why I have been failing projects. Time and time again I have sought out real guidance, help, tutorial time, extra advice, and every time I have been told, "just keep going" or "work harder". I was willing to deal with the frustration of this situation until it became a threat to my position at this university.

Yesterday I met with my tutor. The evil tutor. I decided that before I go speak with the dean I should give me tutor one last chance to explain himself and his grading. He told me that I should "look forward, not look back" and that my work was.... wait for it..... "too glam". Glam? GLAM? He told me that I favored one-shouldered slim fitting designs and never experimented with shape and silhouette. This, incidentally, is utter bullshit. And I told him I disagreed. He shrugged, dismissing me. He had his chance to explain himself, and now I'm going to speak to his boss.

*shrug*

So. Tomorrow I meet with the Dean. I am going to bring in some work, and the school's handbook which clearly states that I should be getting feedback in written form after each project I fail explaining WHY I failed. The handbook states that I may seek out extra help from my tutors if I am confused. It also states that I should be warned if my work isn't good enough to pass. I am going to sit across from him and tell him that I am concerned with the way things are going. I am going to be professional, diplomatic, sweet, but very firm. I want my project graded again because I did NOT deserve to fail. I want my retrieval project removed. And on behalf of myself and the other students that are caught in this huge machine, I am going to demand that we get more thorough feedback, concise success criteria, and more tutorial time.

If this talk doesn't go well, I will go higher. I will piss them off and bug them and plead with them until I am sure that they will make efforts to fix this problem. I shouldn't have to fight for an education. I will gladly take an active role in my education, but tutors shouldn't yell at us for asking questions, or cut us off when we ask for more help.

I am fed up with this place and now they are threatening to pull the rug out from under me right when I am starting to get a grip on life at Central St Martins. Well, I won't let them. And if for some reason I fail, I have so many other options and plans that CSM will someday look back and wish they could have added my name to their "notable alumni" list.

Wish me luck.

A Good Day

I hadn't realized how much the stress of school was wearing on me until I began to feel it lessen. Today was the first time I felt like myself in months.

San Francisco was warm and sunny. I met with friends for waffles and eggs, and wandered in sunny Hayes valley.

I spent hours hanging out at Isotope Comics (the coolest comic book lounge EVER), stopped by Miette and Blue Bottle Coffee to get tasty treats...

... and stopped in Dark Garden corsetry and happened across the most beautiful corset that fit me like a dream (which I couldn't come home with sadly)....



....and generally spend the afternoon socializing, and sitting in the sun eating chocolates.

I chatted with everyone at every store. I made friends, met a gay porn star, and talked to fabulous people of every type. I was in my element. It wasn't until I realized how much better I felt that I realized how stressed I had been. I'm so happy to be back to my social, friendly self.

This trip back to SF was a good idea. Ahhh :)

A Smattering of Thoughts Today

Random thoughts running through my head today:

*I would very much like to design legs for Aimee Mullins.

*I would like to take a few short courses at CSM over the summer:
-life casting
-painting the nude
-experimental glass working
-experimental jewelery
-laser cutting for fashion
-knitwear (creating your own insane knits)
-couture tailoring
-starting a fashion business
-embroidery
-art criticism
-art and politics: from Dada to Deller

*I am going home on Monday! And while at home I will be doing a drag queen photo shoot!

*I am aching to get into latex modeling, but I'm not sure how to make contacts over here in London. Any ideas?

*I am considering opening my own Etsy shop, and starting to sell my prints and simple garments, just so I don't starve near the end of each month.

*I found the mother of all latex stores by accident while searching for a candy store yesterday. I want to work there. I want to wear EVERYTHING in there. I want to design clothes for the store. I want to model for the company. I want to be a part of that world. My friend went in with me, and after spending an hour in there chatting with the drag queen salesmen, selling a catsuit to a man in a suit, and buying myself a FABULOUS latex hood my friend turned to me and said, "wow, I've never seen you so in your element. Holy shit, that was amazing. It was like you suddenly turned on the fabulous."

*sigh*
I want to make things and create things and collaborate with artists and other designers. I want to be inspired.

I Am Going to Take CSM On...

Being at CSM right now is causing me to have panic attacks. And when the panic starts to take over, I get angry. I get furious. I get so mad adrenaline starts pumping through my veins and I feel the urge to hit something.

I wanted to speak with my tutor and sort out my grades and my progress today. He, of course, was not available. He is never available. And I feel like I've gotten very little help from him, or any of the tutors.

I feel like I'm being treated unfairly.

I am tempted to go in and speak with the head of the department tomorrow, but I've decided I need to calm down first. I am going to fly home on Monday and I am going to do everything except think about school. I am going to pamper myself and spend ridiculous amounts of money on pretty things and massages and excellent food and social outings with people who care about me and support me.

And then when I get back into town I am going to speak with student services and find someone to be my advocate in this. I will schedule an appointment with the head of my program and speak with her and the dean about whether or not I am in the right place, and what I can do to get more help on my projects from the tutors.

Then I am going to speak with the evil tutor, and in more eloquent terms tell him that I will play his stupid game, if he would just tell me what the game is. But I can only do all this once I have calmed the fuck down, because if he insulted me at all right now (and he will, because he is an ass) I would say something I regret.

I am also going to rally my classmates over the break and write a letter to the head of the fashion department stating that we feel that we need MORE tutorial time and more help, and have every student who is struggling (or not) sign it.

Chances are I will annoy the staff until they hate me. But fuck, they already do so what do I have to lose, right?

I am fed up with this place, and instead of crying about it like a child and accidentally yelling at my friends and storming off, I am going to annoy the fuck out of the school until they give me some fucking help. I mean, what am I paying them for? I am paying their fucking paychecks, and I want to know what the hell I am paying for, if not some god damn teaching...?

New Hairs

This Redhead wanted to go blonde for a change, but it wasn't in the cards when I spoke with my stylist this morning. So instead I refreshed my red, added some black bits in, and had the stylist cut my fringe wider, longer, and made the back shorter and more severe.

The result of a few hours in the salon:





What do you think?

I'm thinking of bleaching out a few strips in my fringe and dying them back to my very unnatural red color, just for some contrast.

Sun

It is beautiful outside. Absolutely lovely. It's crisp but sunny and clear. I wore a hoodie and a very short skirt and was a little too warm.

Brick Lane was incredibly busy. Live music filled the air, crowds of fashionable people wandered about, eating and drinking. My flatmate and I shopped a bit, bought cupcakes for all our stressed out flatmates, and nibbled on salt beef bagels as we wandered.

The sun warmed and enlivened me. It felt like a proper spring day, and I have nothing to do but enjoy it and relax.

It's a good day in London.

Whew, Ugh, Sigh, Mrrrh

Yesterday was yet another disappointing day in that I presented my last project to a rather lukewarm response from my tutors.

This project was supposed to be a fun, no-stress project. But any project is stressful when you're supposed to "try a bunch of different things" and you have very little money to do so. It's funny how much experimentation costs, really. Let's say you are going to try a screen print on 10 different types of fabric. Unless you have stores of fabric laying around in your house, you have to go out and purchase those 10 fabrics, and enough to try your print a few different times on each one.

Generally you would want to try several different kinds of chemical processes on each of those fabrics, so you buy certain binders, chemicals, and fun things like foil, flocking, etc etc. By the time this fun little project is over, you look back and realize you've managed to spend 75 GBP without even trying. Seeing as how I have 1pound in my bank account, experimenting of this nature wasn't really in the cards for me this time around, and I think I am going to get a low grade because of it. But I mooched off of friends and tried really hard to do the best I could.

In an annoyed and defeated moment, I threw all my work into my locker and left it there, so I have no photos to show you. But I will grab the stupid thing next week and share some of my work. For now, here's the cranky burnout velvet scarf I did. It was supposed to be far more complicated, but I had a lot of trouble with the burnout. it didn't quite burn correctly and so I spent hours scrubbing it, and it still looks rough in places. It has a vintage look to it in person though, so that's alright. I wanted to try a bunch of other things on top of the velvet burnout, but frankly I ran out of time and energy near the end. I also found that almost everything I did to it really made it look grandmotherly, instead of simple and austere. So I opted for minimalism this time around:



In other news, I was informed that some of my work was being poorly imitated by some others. Which is flattering, and doesn't really bother me. But it was cute to see some of my friends get up in arms about it on my behalf. :)

I am just glad that this term is more or less over. I am so in need of a break.

My friend and I were discussing what CSM really stands for, if not Central St Martins. I've decided that it is either Catering to Sleep-deprived Masochists, or Confusing Students More.

The strange thing is that although I am physically exhausted, I am dying to get back into the print room and play with techniques more. I want to make things. Despite my anger at the school and Evil Tutor Man, I am still dying to make things. I think that's a good sign.