A Change of Direction

Well. It looks like things are most likely not going to work out between me and St Martins. Despite all my work and all my desire to stay here, it seems the university does not feel the same way.

I have another meeting with the Dean tomorrow, and that will determine a lot about what I do next.

I am distraught at the thought of leaving London. No, "distraught" is putting it mildly. Let's say I feel as though my very being has been battered and humiliated. It's all I can do to get out of bed and face the day ahead of me. I feel as though I was offered the chance of a lifetime and then laughed at when I dared to reach for it. There was a moment when I really felt I could do this. I felt I could make this happen. I felt I could be the next big thing. But I stumbled a little early on in the year, and the school has never let me recover from it.

I cannot bear the thought of returning home to San Francisco right now. I can't bear to face people when they ask why I'm back. My every instinct is telling me to run as far away from home as possible and never look back.

So if the meeting with the dean doesn't go well tomorrow, and this horror does in fact become my new failed reality, then I am going to indulge that impulse. I am going to stay in London for the next six months. I am going to travel alone and I am going to figure myself out, and reclaim what little of my soul I can.

I am going to go to Paris for a week. I am going to go to Milan and Venice. I am going to go to Berlin. I am going to buy a proper camera and I am going to take photos, indulge in my rediscovered passion for photography. I am going to sketch every day and drink too many cappuccinos. I will yell at Italian men for commenting on my ass, and I will smirk at the hairy french women that dress incredibly well. And maybe I will find something in those next couple of months that will enliven me again, and help me find the fight in me again.

And then I will decide what I want to do, and where I want to do it.

I have no portfolio to speak of, so I can't apply for any design jobs. But I am considering taking out one massive loan and getting a place for myself to work. I want to hire a seamstress and I will churn out a line of garments that are all Me. I will make things so ridiculous and amazing that when I show my friends at CSM what I'm working on, they will wish they could work with me. And fuck CSM and their ridiculous sketchbook/research book bullshit. I've learned so much about research and print and design processes that I don't give a shit if CSM doesn't like my sketchbooks. I spent all this time trying to figure out what they wanted so they wouldn't fail me.... so they would give me a fresh start, a chance to find out what I wanted. But they didn't. And I don't think they ever will.

The best revenge is success. Sometimes a good beating isn't so bad, but I'll settle for success.