Ugh

Oh my god I feel like crap.

However I have learned that certain late night kebab places make amazing meat and chips with vinegar and garlic sauce.

Positive Again

I've had a decent day as far as my self confidence is concerned. Over lunch some of my more talented classmates told me that they have seen my work improving a lot since the start of the school year. They said that I have been working very hard and that they think the tutors see it. A friend of mine also said that I am very good at finding inspiration through images. She loves my new project idea. That was good to hear.

I also helped a lot of my classmates with their pattern drafting today, and although I feel like a hack sometimes, it is always fun to work with others and discuss design as though it were a puzzle to solve. It is a boost to my ego when people come to me instead of the teacher sometimes... is that wrong?

I have several classmates that I can genuinely call friends now. It's nice to feel liked and appreciated in class.

I began working with watercolor paints this evening for a project of mine, and I'm finding that I LOVE to paint. It is calming to my soul, to my meat and bones. Seriously, it is meditation for me. I want to learn to work in oils sometime because I would love to work on a painting for days, weeks....

I began working on my second project this evening, and I'm trying a new approach to my research. I am hoping it goes over well when I meet with my tutor on Friday. I think he is finally seeing that I am working very hard to improve, and that seems to make him all sorts of happy and helpful.

Tomorrow I will one again wake up before the sun rises, head to school and work until my brain shuts off. Then refuel on coffee and food, switch gears to work on my second project, meet a friend for a drink, and then work some more.

And my weekend only gets crazier from there. I can't wait to sleep...

Positive

I was dreading today all weekend.

Sitting around a table with the head of my program and one of my tutors discussing my shamefully bad projects from last term didn't sound like a recipe for a good time. On top of that, I was to meet with another of my tutors for my current project, and I was terribly nervous.

But everything went remarkably well. I was given some suggestions and useful ways to approach research and future projects. My current work was well received and the tutor that tore me to pieces last time said that I clearly took the time to work my project into something far more interesting than before. So I got the go-ahead to begin making the garment.

Getting the green light from her took a huge load of stress off of me because from here on out, the project is about practical work and problem-solving, instead of creative design. I've been so involved in trying to understand this project that I haven't been able to get into the creative mindset to also work on my You-Failed-And-Have-To-Redo-Everything "retrieval project". So now, I can stop thinking about this assignment long enough to work on the other. Finally. Thank god.

On top of that, I spoke with one of my tutors about the retrieval project and asked to meet with him on Friday about it because I was having a lot of trouble. He actually smiled and said he would be around in the afternoon and that I should come by and ask him questions. What the....? Someone is going to actually give me some input on a project? Good heavens! :o

I just experienced the mythical positive feedback moment at CSM. I don't have less work than I did this morning when I went in to school, but I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

A few good things that were said today during my tutorials:

-I am very good at drawing my ideas and communicating them to others
-I am very good at organizing people and working with others
-I am creative, but get lost along the way, so I need to stay focused and stop confusing myself with so many sources of inspiration at once.
-I need to think of research and my sketchbook as a problem that I am trying to solve, a question I am trying to answer. I should collect images that inspire me, ask myself WHY they inspire me, and then work from them directly while I resolve the questions they pose.
-I need to develop my ideas more on paper and not be afraid of minimalistic pages.


So I guess it wasn't such a scary day after all. To celebrate I am going to the gym. I am just so buoyed by the events of today that I am eager to try and start my second project this evening. Finally, some positive reinforcement.

Assumptions part 3: On Being Wrong

I think I should remove my foot from my mouth.

I talked shit on this blog about people I met in London, and I regret doing it now because those same people have turned out to be very cool for the most part. But I guess first impressions really do last, it seems. It's taken me a while to get over my initial opinions about some of my acquaintances.

But I realize I have my own prejudices and predetermined judgments about people that I shouldn't. Growing up in a liberal area, I prided myself on being SO open-minded and accepting. But the one sort of person I never had to deal with was a conservative. I see now that I had my own preconceptions about anyone with conservative views, and was predisposed to dislike them. But that was closed-minded of me. Much in the same way that I assumed any other American in London would turn out to be lame and creepy. It seems the people I looked down upon at the beginning of the school year have turned out to be very sweet, caring, kind-hearted people that I formed opinions about too quickly.

I considered deleting the posts about these people. But the truth of the matter is that those words reflect where I was mentally and emotionally at that time. And I think it's more honest of me to say that my opinions were wrong and have changed, instead of pretending that I never had those thoughts at all.

Perhaps I am too eager to define people as "potential friends" or "lame". Maybe I should give everyone a little more time in the future... because you never know who might take you by surprise one day.

On the Bright Side, Though...

Despite having a shitty afternoon, one nice thing did happen this week. Three different people have come up to me in the last week and told me that they really like me, and that most of the class has talked about how much they like me in my absence. According to these three people, it's been said that I was genuine, giving of my time, "vibrant", and talented.

I blushed. And then I blushed some more.

But it was nice to hear.

Lost

Today: another awful meeting with a tutor.

My work was laughed at, insulted, and then she ripped the picture off the cover because she didn't like it.

I didn't take it personally this time. Instead I sat through it all trying to get some nuggets of helpful information from the new tutor. I asked follow up questions about what she wanted and tried to guide the conversation towards things that would give me some helpful direction. But no. I got one or two interesting thoughts from her, and other than that... well, I'm as lost as ever. Moreso, even. When I asked her if I should think about things one way or another way, she said "both". When I asked if the best way too approach a problem was to things one thing or the other, she'd tell me to do it my own way.

I am SO frustrated. I am failing, here. I'm trying to get help, some direction, some assistance.....and no one is helping me at all. I have no idea what I should do now.

Assumptions, part 2: On Boys

Boys have always been a bit tricky for me to be around. A psychiatrist would probably tell you that I grew up with no positive male role models and therefor have issues with the opposite sex. But if you ask me, I'd say that my issues with boys started in high school when I suddenly dropped 25lbs and began looking like a normal curvy girl.

To change from the fat girl quite suddenly into a 16 year old sex object is quite a mind fuck. For the first time men began to notice me and I quickly learned that I had a lot of power because of it. In response to this sudden outpouring of attention I became the world's biggest flirt. It was the only way I could both entice men and keep them at a safe emotional distance.

To this day I find it hard to speak to any guy without flirting. It is my default reaction to male attention, even the unwanted kind. In a way having a boyfriend has exacerbated this problem because I could flirt mercilessly and never feel the pressure to follow through. "I have a boyfriend," I could always say. My boyfriend knows I am a flirt and has no lame macho jealousy issues. If anything, he enjoys that I could make a few boys lust after the girl he gets to take home every night.

But everything is different in London. I don't have a boyfriend here to use as my excuse. I don't have someone to go stand next to who will kiss my neck and remind everyone that this one belongs to him. And so I have found that my social habits have been changing out of necessity.

First of all, I never go out. I am terrified of finding myself in an awkward situation with a guy and not knowing how to get out of it. That fear has lessened some. But I think my change in attitude really began when I met a friend whose boyfriend is such a great guy that I felt immediately at ease with him. I guess I never before realized that I could talk with a guy without our conversation ever having a flirtatious subtext. Inspired by this experience, I am trying very hard to understand how to separate flirting from talking when it comes to men. And I think I'm getting better at it.

Either that or I am just becoming very antisocial...

Finally

I am incredibly sore from working out today. It feels great. I feel healthier than I have in months.

Today: cardio workout, homework homework homework. Going to bed early.

School Mode

I've decided that when I meet with my tutor on Tuesday I am going to be in the moment, listening, and ask a ton of questions. I doubt St. Martins tutors will ever offer up information freely, so I have to take responsibility for own education and question them until I fully understand what they are looking for.

This quarter is going to be about going after what I want. It has to be about me trying things out so that I can better define what it is I want, and then finding ways to get it.

Although I didn't get as much homework done as I wanted this weekend, I think I am finally back in school mode.

If It Aint Broke....

Running low on money. Can't buy sketchbook for school or soymilk for the cereal I am bumming off my room mates.

One of my more affluent room mates overheard me negotiating cereal-eating with one of the girls a few minutes ago. She ran to her room and brought back a 20pound note saying "I insist that you take this. You can pay me back when you get some money next week." I refused and thanked her. But she insisted. I HATE borrowing money, but this means I can eat and do homework tomorrow! SO excited!

YEAY!